Tag: pregnancy

Posted in New Parents, Now What?

New Parents, Now What? The Fourth Month

Posted on by babbles&brains

I had to go back to work.

I could not handle even looking into childcare. It made me panic every time it was brought up. Leaving my boy with someone or company when he truly should be with his mom and dad was too much.

Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

My district doesn’t give monetary support for family bonding. If I didn’t have disability insurance, I would have to pay my substitute during maternity leave out of my paycheck. Family bonding time would be unpaid, and we couldn’t afford that.

The principal provided a pump room for me, but it was difficult to have coverage to pump, and I always felt in a rush to get back.

I cried a lot that school year. My sweet boy would cry when he saw me leave, or I had to give up sweet baby snuggles so I could go to work. If I were to express exactly how that felt, I would probably cry some more.

My husband works from home most of the week, though, so our son was happy at home with his dad.

His first word was “Dada” (more on that later). Naturally.

That’s all I can really say about month four. It was hard, and I absolutely loved coming home to a baby happy to see me. Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in New Parents, Now What?

New Parents, Now What? The First Month

Posted on by babbles&brains

If there’s any advice to give parents with their very first newborn, it’s to have someone you trust come by every day and hold your baby while they nap at least once a day so you can actually nap too.

Our house panther immediately snuggled with Dad and babe when we got home from the hospital. Our son was SO little!

Birth was not too difficult for me, I was induced at 37 weeks, so he was only 5 pounds, 6.7 ounces. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck by the time he was ready to come out, so we didn’t get skin-to-skin immediately because he needed some help from the pediatric team right away. But we did get it minutes later. He was healthy and holding him in my arms for the first time made me feel whole.

Then came the actual difficult things. He didn’t have enough cheek fat to latch well, and his glucose level got too low too many times and had to spend some time in the NICU. We were using syringes and a tube that would encourage him to latch and suckle, so the three of us were involved in every feeding every two hours. He struggled to gain weight his first week, so he and I went to a lactation club with a lactation nurse to help us. We were put on a triple feeding schedule to keep encouraging him to latch and make sure he was getting enough food to gain weight.

The triple feeding schedule was like this: Every two hours after the start of his last feeding, spend 30 minutes trying to breastfeed. Then, if he’s not latching still, he gets a bottle of a certain amount of breastmilk or formula while I pump for at least 30 minutes. Then we would burp him and feed him again another measured amount. It took ages, was grueling, and we also had to deal with my hormones and mental health at the same time.

He would only latch twice a week at the lactation club. Trying to impress the nurses, I’m sure. Almost all the other times I tried to feed him, he screamed at my chest because he was hungry and just couldn’t get it, so he got a bottle and I pumped while crying about it. It was so heartbreaking when I tried everything and he still couldn’t latch and just eat and be at peace. We were “triple-feeding” for a month, and then finally, at 30 days exactly, he gained enough fat and muscle to latch properly.

That was just feeding for the first month of his life. It was definitely overwhelming. I also started physical therapy for Bell’s Palsy (unique pregnancy plus viral infection symptom) and having to leave my newborn to exercise my face felt so wrong, but it was really good that I had to do something to take care of myself.

It was lovely to have someone we trust come by at least twice a week to hold our sleeping son while the new parents got some sleep. The sleep deprivation was absolutely torture. Despite all these huge challenges, we all made it!

That’s enough babbles from me for our first month as brand-new parents. Next week is the 2-month update. See you then!

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 17: SUCCESS!

Posted on by babbles&brains

I know, it’s been ages. But that’s the best news, right?

Our sweet boy is now one year and 3 months old, and it’s been a whirlwind. I really wanted to do my best and focus on my first year as a little family. So, thanks for waiting for about two years for me.

His sweet little hands!

For the sake of allowing my babe to have a choice in his digital footprint, among other protections my son deserves, I will only be posting non-identifying photos of my son on my blog. Thanks for understanding!

I don’t want this blog to be intolerably long, so I will let you know I plan to update weekly on Thursdays with each month of adventure we’ve had so far with our son.

See you this Thursday!

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 16: The BEST News Ever & The worst news ever

Posted on by babbles&brains

It’s taken me ages to upload. So many things have happened since the last update to this journey. Good news and bad news.

I’ll start with a bit of good news. We did a transfer of our only male embryo. The two week wait and the hcg beta tests were so extremely nerve-wracking. I was so nervous that I wouldn’t have good news, but the numbers doubled, and then at the third beta test, the results skyrocketed to about 6 times over the expected doubling. Which should have indicated to me that we were dealing with multiples but I was just lucky to finally be pregnant and it really stuck in there.

The bad news is, I was carrying twins for about seven weeks. We found out when I was 6 weeks and some days that I was carrying two babies, strong heartbeats, similar in size. At our next monitoring check around week 8 and 3 days, one of them no longer had a heartbeat.

We had about two weeks to absorb the idea of having twins, and just started to get excited and call them “the boys” because we were pretty sure they were identical twins from our one embryo splitting into two. That’s a story for another day because our doctor is convinced it was from my ovulation as it showed signs of genetic abnormality (but we followed directions and didn’t have sex before or after transfer so how did it get there?!).

Vanishing twin syndrome is pretty common, but often missed with regular unassisted pregnancies. Since I’ve been monitored every two weeks, we saw it happen. It gave us a little bit of time to love another baby before it was gone, but still heartbreaking. I never expected to experience a pregnancy loss and my first pregnancy at the same time.

And that’s the good news. I am 9 weeks and 5 days today. Our baby boy that stayed earth-side is growing so well. We got to hear his heartbeat, he’s got fingers and toes, and he’s just perfect. We are going to be parents by April 30!

Our little embryo that could!

As much as we are saddened by the loss, we are so grateful that we still have a baby and that we still get to be parents. I’m trying to stay as positive as possible because our baby deserves the least amount of distress.

So, we’re pregnant. FINALLY!

Talk to you soon, Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 15: The Two Week Wait

Posted on by babbles&brains

So much has happened since the last time I posted. The PGT results came in and indicated that we had three genetically viable embryos, and we signed off on transferring one this month. Transfer day was August 12, 2022.

My sweet husband and I, very much ready for our first embryo transfer.

The transfer itself was very quick. The prep was not fun. Apparently I have a smaller bladder than normal people so that made things uncomfortable for a while. But it was done and it was a perfect transfer!

And now, we’re waiting for my beta test appointments. Four days left actually for when I get results. FOUR. DAYS.

I’ve never been this close to being pregnant before. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel in my body with pregnancy, so I can’t really say with confidence that I am without more proof. I have the cutest picture of our embryo, but I’m not ready to share it until we get our official news.

I’ll update in four days!

Cautiously optimistic, babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 11: Project Science Baby is HAPPENING

Posted on by babbles&brains

I have not updated the “Trying To Become Parents Journey” since November 2021. And finally, I have more to share than “I’m just waiting.” Here’s a list of what’s happened since that March 2021 post:

Just the start of all the medications and supplements I have to take daily
  • We changed insurances so we could be served better by the fertility clinic we chose (and so I can give birth in the hospital closest to my home).
  • I’ve been slowly collecting fragrant orchid plants.
  • We applied for IVF financing and were only given two terrible options (extremely high APR and not the amount of money we needed to loan).
  • We applied for a line of credit with our bank for a better loan and interest rate for our predicament.
  • We were approved for the line of credit with our bank.
  • We paid for the initial charges for IVF.
  • I got my Master’s Degree and my Administrative Credential.
  • I attended a duo baby shower for my two cousins who are expecting (actually one of them has given birth since last week) and I only cried about it a few times.
  • I started the portion of IVF that requires birth control to keep my ovaries calm.
  • I have an official PCOS diagnosis as the cause for infertility instead of “obesity” now thanks to this clinic.
  • I met with my IVF Nurse Coordinator and got a schedule for the next three months.
  • I ordered the injection medications that may be more than the payment for IVF if my insurance doesn’t cover it.
  • I start injections next week.

For those of you who don’t know, IVF is in vitro fertilization. That’s where the doctors grow as many follicles to maturity as possible in my ovaries, retrieve the eggs from the follicles, fertilize them with my partner’s sperm in a lab and watch over their growth. In my case, they are going to test at least 8 blastocysts for genetic abnormalities before freezing all the good-quality embryos that make it to that stage while my body calms down from the egg retrieval surgery. That is if there is successful fertilization.

This is the only egg retrieval cycle we can afford, so I’m really hoping things turn out well. I’m really hoping for at least four healthy little embryos.

I’ve been calling my IVF experience Project Science Baby among my best friends. It makes it seem more hopeful to me. I’m excited for it to start even though I really hate needles. I keep telling myself it’s completely worth it.

I’ll start updating after each of my appointments from here on out. My baseline appointment is scheduled for June 9!

Talk to you soon,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 10: The New Path is Forged

Posted on by babbles&brains

Guess what? I’m still NOT pregnant. Here’s a little art I drew about how I felt about this news:

I think it needs more test strips, cash, and bills, don’t you?

Yeah.

I was grieving for what I’m not able to have. And feeling completely without hope. It’s not comfortable. It hurts.

The good news is that I finally got my first appointment at the clinic that seems like everyone is raving about, and it’s actually GREAT. Also, it is over ten thousand dollars less than my insurance company’s fertility clinic. And, they are open daily year-round, which means they will work with my special uterus!

The doctor even recommended supplements and addressed all of my concerns and questions. THEY LISTENED TO ME. They gave me actual data on their process and success rates.

I felt so relieved to have a positive experience finally through this journey. A weight lifted off my heart. I feel like I can hope again.

But the cost is still high. Over 10k less than the other clinic, but still the price of a new car. I wish it wasn’t a financial burden to us just for the chance to become parents. And having to wait until we have the funds is torturing me.

To afford IVF, I’ve been working during my prep doing paperwork for another school so I can make a good chunk of funds by spring of 2022. I’ll be able to afford over half of the procedure on my own! Which means, we might become parents by August of 2022!

But it feels like FOREVER AND A DAY.

Anyway, I have a lot more hope in my heart than I did when I made that art. It still is part of me, but it’s not all of me anymore.

I haven’t started a GoFundMe for my treatment because it feels weird to have other people pay for us to make a baby, even if it’s with science. If we can’t do it on our own, why are we even going to try having kids when they’re more expensive afterwards? Maybe I’ll change my mind if we still can’t scrape up the funds. But since it’s the burden my husband and I bear, it doesn’t feel right to ask other people to give us money.

To our family on the other hand… If you really want us to be parents, please feel free to help us. Any little bit will go a long way. I know it will be so worth it.

Talk to y’all soon, hopefully with a good update!

Babblesandbrains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 7: Second IUI Results and Reflection

Posted on by babbles&brains

New year, five months later, and not much changed for me.

Fourteen days after IUI and I’m not pregnant. Again. Ten percent chance, so I’m sure I’m just in the 90% that didn’t work out. Again.

I had some pretty intense cramping three days ago, which gave me a little hope and a lot of anxiety, and I bombarded myself with what-ifs: what if that’s implantation pain, what if that’s too late for implantation and I’ll have a miscarriage, what if this is all in my head anyway, what if I’m too stressed because of not being pregnant to get pregnant? I try not to do that, but sometimes I can’t help it. It’s awful though. How on earth does anyone get through this? There’s a part of me that wants to get a support group, but then another part that isn’t sure about hearing about other people’s successes if they happen sooner than mine.

Anyway, that’s the second of six IUIs I can do with my insurance. Apparently the 3rd and 4th are supposed to be the most “effective,” but then there’s also the crippling fear that even if I do get pregnant, I could miscarry. There is no amount of preparation I can do to not be devastated if that would happen. Again, with the what-ifs.

I’m feeling defeated right now. So I have to do some more reflecting on this whole thing.

I am going to do one more IUI and then decide if this is the path to motherhood I should continue on. I want to make sure I am mentally capable of handling terrible news for at least another year, or stopping treatments and looking into adoption.

Here’s what I want to do now:

  • Paint the entertainment center in the living room.
  • Paint the second bathroom.
  • Go on walks every day.
  • Practice mindful eating.
  • Do something just for me every day.

I think doing these things will help me get back on track to face the next part of this journey.

At least… I hope so.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents: Part 6- Waiting Some More

Posted on by babbles&brains

I was instructed to take an at home pregnancy test 16 days after the HCG trigger shot, and 14 days after the IUI. That day was yesterday, November 22, 2020.

The results were negative. A few hours later, I started my period. So here I am, still have never been pregnant, and still desiring to become a mom.

Thankfully, I’m not as devastated as I have been earlier this year. I mean, I did cry. A lot. But I was able to get up and go to work today. We did everything we could. It just wasn’t the time. It’s sad, but there’s a plan in there somewhere, that we have a next step to get to.

What I do know, is that I ovulated for sure. Which means, hopefully, my body will do it again this cycle without treatment. We probably won’t get to try IUI again or any medications for this cycle, because with the pandemic, women are only receiving treatments every other cycle unless there are appointments available. Which makes me feel like a whole cycle of my younger eggs is going to be wasted without treatment, like it’s guaranteed that it won’t happen without treatments to help us get pregnant. It feels unfair.

This whole process of infertility is unfair to me.

I endured childhood trauma–abuse, foster care, courtrooms, and more. I know how important being loved and cared for is to children. I suffered greatly from my own biological parents, and they were able to have children with no issues. I worked so hard with therapists and doctors with the goal of one day becoming a healthy parent. I know that children are a gift and a blessing, and I want my children to feel that they are cherished, that they very much belong. But I am still unable to conceive. When might I have my chance to have a beautiful “ever after” story doing my best to be a great parent with my husband?

Maybe January 2021 will be the month. I don’t know. Not knowing really hurts me.

I am in need of a puppy soon. I need something to keep my mind off of it, something to keep me going, something happy that I can spoil rotten. Something that will make me go out and get fresh air. A puppy, or a better harness for my black cat, Pantherlily, so I can take him out on walks. I just had an idea—- BOTH a puppy and a new harness for my cat so we can take them out on walks together!

Anyway, we’re going to keep trying.

If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility, let them know they’re not alone for me? Thanks.

Sincerely,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents- Part 5: A Milestone

Posted on by babbles&brains

I can’t believe this is might actually happen for me.

I haven’t posted since September because everything was basically the same. Not ovulating, no pregnancy, no parenthood in sight, just waiting to get an appointment to be seen and start a new course of treatment.

Right now, I am truly hopeful, and feel so much lighter. Though I haven’t been ovulating, I’ve finally had an appointment with the fertility clinic last week for an ultrasound to check for cysts before starting treatment for an IUI procedure. No cysts, and healthy follicles!

If you didn’t know, IUI means Intrauterine Insemination, a procedure where they take the male donor’s sperm as close as possible to the egg right at ovulation, to increase the chances of conception.

After two ultrasounds and a round of letrozole, my follicles look very healthy, the uterine lining is nice and cozy for conception, and everything is looking good. We’re just waiting for me to ovulate. I’m hoping that I do by Saturday, but if I don’t have an LH surge by tomorrow I think we might have to do another ultrasound and maybe even a HCG trigger shot to get my body to ovulate for the procedure.

The good news is, within the next seven days, I might finally become pregnant for the first time. I mean, I won’t really know for two weeks after the procedure, but it might happen. The chances are good. Everything is looking great. I’m trying to be as positive as possible.

The doctor and nurses I’ve seen have been so optimistic and hopeful about it, and it makes me have more hope that I will become a mom soon.

I’m not sure why I desire becoming a parent so much, I know how difficult it will be to be a parent. But this desire is overwhelming my heart and soul. I’ve prayed on this so much, asking God why this desire is adhered to my soul so strongly, but it hasn’t lifted or lessened after all this time.

So I truly, deeply hope that this will happen for us.

Please pray for us, send well wishes or good vibes. But again, no baby dust, because that sounds like you’re making dust out of babies and that’s just weird.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains