Tag: pandemic

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents- Part 4: Pandemic Blues

Posted on by babbles&brains

Warning: This post has moments that are possibly TMI.

Trying to have a baby in a pandemic is difficult, especially if it is difficult to conceive. I finally started my period (about a week and a half late because I don’t think I ovulated. Believe me, I took a ton of pregnancy tests, all negative). I called the clinic as instructed on the first day of my cycle, and guess what? No appointments available.

The fertility clinic patients are getting treatments every other cycle with all of the regulations and social distancing rules. So since I couldn’t get an appointment this time, I’m on the list to get an appointment next cycle. But I don’t know when that will happen at this point. It’s not guaranteed that I can get an appointment next cycle either.

This is hard. I really need to have this appointment to rule out cysts and begin a different treatment to conceive. It’s the next step to starting a family for us. It’s all up in the air now.

I thought I found some patience and peace about waiting since meeting the specialist at an online appointment. Now I’m just so frustrated, and sad. Why can’t I just be a little bit normal at least and conceive like so many others can? How come no matter how much I want to be a parent, there are SO many obstacles in the way? What is so wrong with me?

There are other patients who are older than me, where time is running out for them, and they deserve the chance to have a family if they want it. Thankfully, I’m still young and have time, even if I’m tired of waiting. I may have to be more patient still.

Stay healthy and safe, everyone. I think we all want things to go back to normal.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Teaching & Education

Focusing on the Good: Teaching in Fall 2020

Posted on by babbles&brains

We all need some good news right now, so all I’m going to focus on in this post is all the good things that are happening right now while I’m teaching during this pandemic. Today marks the third week of real distance teaching, and these are the good things I’ve chosen to focus on so far:

My students. I cannot get over how awesome my students are. They’re all ready and WILLING to learn. It is truly amazing and beautiful. Not even kidding I could brag about them all day. I am SO PROUD that my students are on top of things, and it makes keeping them accountable so much easier. I think they all miss being in school and want to be part of it even if it’s distantly. It makes my heart full. I know it’s not the same for all the grade levels, and Pre-K to 3rd grades really need all the community building time they can get and in-person instruction. I hope we can all get that soon. I am so happy that my middle and high school students are stepping it up to be their best.

Quiet time. I’m always available for my students during school hours, but during school hours it’s been so nice to give direct instruction and then let them do their thing while checking in. The kids like being able to have the opportunity to go and focus on their work and not get distracted by others. It’s not the same for all households, but they are getting into the groove of finding their perfect school area at home to learn. I have a few students who struggled last year who are absolutely killing it because they’re figuring out what works for them. Also, I can get my grading done much faster, which is the bane of my existence.

Helping out. Family is super important to me, and I have two nieces enrolled at my school. So I get to have them over a few times a week to work on staying on top of school during distance learning, as they both struggled a lot last spring. I am excited to give them a space to learn and grow during a pandemic. Plus, it helps my sister out while she is working to have someone to look out for her daughters. I’m more than happy to help whenever I’m needed.

Time to Calm Down. I get myself really busy, but being able to work from home has given me so many opportunities to work on my mental health and working on self-compassion. I know other teachers in other places don’t have the opportunity to work from home right now, but getting this time, even if it’s not going to last forever, has been such a blessing to my head space. Most of the time, anyway.

My Students. Did I mention them already? Because I LOVE being their teacher no matter what. Getting to teach them new things and interact at their level has been a really great learning experience.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the good things. The silver linings. The bright side. Positive vibes.

Do me a favor, and thank a teacher for persevering, for being tenacious, for caring. They need that right now. Make their whole week by just saying something kind.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Mental Health

Anxiety & Me: How I Get Through

Posted on by babbles&brains

Possible Trigger Warning: There will be talk about my personal experience with anxiety and PTSD.

If you have anxiety, you understand how difficult it is to manage. Most of the time, I can manage, but sometimes I can’t, but I am finally at a stage where I can usually get through it. I wanted to share how I get through bouts of anxiety attacks, and hopefully it may help someone struggling.

Being Observant: It took me a long time to figure out what triggers my anxiety. Paying attention to the events that happen before an anxiety attack will help you identify what causes the attack. For me, Walmart is a huge trigger. I can’t even drive to the parking lot of Walmart alone (at least in my hometown, but I prefer not to shop at any Walmart for many reasons now). This is because I experienced trauma by two people who used to work there as a young teenager, and on a trip exploring the superstore walking alone, I WALKED PAST the one person I never wanted to see again or know existed in the public in my entire life. My lizard brain does not want to deal with that ever again, so it gets heated at the thought of even entering the parking lot in an attempt to protect me. Understanding the trigger to an anxiety attack is very helpful in the self-talk needed to get through an anxiety attack in a shorter amount of time.

Quiet Spaces: Finding a quiet space at the onset of an anxiety attack is really important for me to focus on grounding myself. I’m not picky about it though, because there are no perfect places when in the midst of an anxiety attack. Bathroom stalls, inside my car, my walk-in closet, or going outside if indoors– these are all quiet spaces I’ve gone to when I experience the beginning of an anxiety attack. It just needs to be a space where I can hear myself think.

Self-Compassion: I think this is the most important. I know I tend to be harsh on myself, and getting frustrated when having anxiety only causes more stress and exacerbates the issue. When you are having an anxiety attack, it is very important that you are giving yourself the care and compassion you deserve. So make self-compassion part of your self-care routine. Currently, I really am enjoying working on self-compassion with The Power of Self-Compassion by Laurie J. Cameron. It’s a fantastic audio book from Audible (not sponsored). Granting yourself the compassion you would to a best friend (or for me, a beloved student) is so important to get you through times of anxiety.

Talk Therapy: Get yourself some healthy coping mechanisms through therapy. Get someone objective to talk to that wants to help you be your best self. Unfortunately, partners don’t count, as usually they are not licensed professionals to help you get the tools you need. Through talk therapy though, you can get some tools to help your partner become even more amazing and supportive (if you have one). During this pandemic, I have found BetterHelp (not sponsored) to be a great option to have access to someone to talk to, and they are very good about helping with affordability.

Medication: Even with everything I do to get through anxiety, I was having a very difficult time last year and was consistently having anxiety attacks far too often for me to live my life. Even with all of my coping skills. At that time, it is important to discuss with a doctor about what has been going on and let them know everything you have done to get through it. Often, they will give a questionnaire and discuss medication options that fit with your lifestyle. To me, medication isn’t a bad thing. It’s like wearing glasses to help you see better. I also requested to get additional blood work done to check my thyroid levels, as I know my family has a history of Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism, and it finally showed up for me, after many checks throughout high school and college. An underactive thyroid affects the brain’s ability to function properly, and for me, it caused intense anxiety. So, now I am taking medication for my thyroid and medication for anxiety, but with the work I am doing to be as healthy as possible, I may not need the anxiety medication much longer as my thyroid has help functioning properly.

So, those are some of the things I find helps me get through my anxiety. Some days are better than others, but overall, I am having fewer anxiety attacks, and have been able to get to the end of an anxiety attack in a shorter amount of time. I think the amount of natural light I’ve been getting in our new house has also been beneficial for my mental health. If you’re struggling, I really hope these ideas may help you find peace and clarity. Let me know what works for you!

Stay healthy, y’all.

Sincerely,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 1

Posted on by babbles&brains

I’m a teacher in an alternative education school, going to school for my masters and administrative credential, my husband and I just bought a house and moved in, and from the depths of my heart and soul I want to be a mom. So much.

I got married at 23, and my husband and I wanted to wait and live children-free before we started family planning. So we waited five years. Rather, I waited impatiently, and my husband had a set date before we would start trying: January 2020. Got to be honest, I was not happy with waiting for so long, and I wanted to start trying as soon as I turned 27. However, it was my husband who needed time to feel a little more “ready,” and I know he will be an even better dad for his patience.

I don’t have a detailed knowledge of my paternal health history, so I made sure that in 2019 to get a genetic screening to see if I was a carrier for anything that would impact the health of our future child. Thankfully, I am not a carrier.

I know that for many women, they wait at least one year of trying before seeking help from their OBGYN. However, in January I made sure to seek help because I’m really impatient, AND I have irregular cycles. I didn’t have a regular period for 8 months in 2019, which means I likely wasn’t ovulating at all. In January, I had a hemorrhagic cyst (my doctor said it was tiny) and ended up in the emergency room because of the pain and all the bleeding. After checking in with my OB after the emergency room visit, we decided to work on getting my body to ovulate with Clomid (also known as Clomiphene).

I was so hopeful. I worked so hard: peeing into little cups, taking my temperature in the middle of the night, checking cervical mucus, doing the horizontal-no-pants-dance at the optimal times, losing weight so that it will be easier to conceive, the whole enchilada. I took Clomid for four cycles, and the last two I took Clomid at double original dose per my doctor’s instructions. All of the testing I was doing at home said I had ovulated every time.

All pregnancy results were negative, and since I took over three rounds of Clomid with no success, there was nothing else my OBGYN could do to help me get pregnant. Every single time I got a negative result, I was devastated. The last round and negative result caused me to be stuck in bed crying and hating my body for at minimum a week.

It’s okay to mourn for something that didn’t ever happen, especially if you very much wanted it to.

So I took a break from stressing myself out at the end of May through June. I mean, we had to move into our new home anyway and that was stressful enough.

Our journey to becoming parents isn’t over. We were referred to a fertility clinic and are going to get a whole gambit of testing done. Unfortunately, with the COVID-19 outbreak, I couldn’t schedule anything in June really and radiology is only doing one of the procedures I need to schedule and it’s time-sensitive. So now I have to wait for another cycle and MAYBE I’ll be able to do all the tests required. I just want to know what’s going on with my body. Do I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome? Do I have endometriosis? Is there something else that’s keeping me from ovulating? I need to know what’s going on to eradicate my irrational fear of never getting to be a parent.

I’ve always had the irrational fear that I might never be able to have a baby, because of how I came to be. Currently, I’m trying to get rid of that fear, but it’s been six months with no success even with assistance, it’s starting to feel more rational. So I’m not going to keep up all the testing and tracking right now. I just can’t do that for my sanity.

I’m not going to stop trying. I’m just going to keep working on limiting stress and keeping my body as healthy as possible, and make attempts at being patient.

Don’t wish me baby dust or send baby dust my way, that sounds way too creepy. Also, please don’t give me advice right now, it makes me feel inadequate. I mean, I have doctors who are doing their best to figure things out, and a lot of independent researching of my own. If you want to give support, the best ways for me are: prayer, good vibes, peace and calm, well wishes, eating cookies and ice cream on my behalf, and keep reading whenever I post.

I will keep you in the loop on the next update.