Tag: infertility

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 11: Project Science Baby is HAPPENING

Posted on by babbles&brains

I have not updated the “Trying To Become Parents Journey” since November 2021. And finally, I have more to share than “I’m just waiting.” Here’s a list of what’s happened since that March 2021 post:

Just the start of all the medications and supplements I have to take daily
  • We changed insurances so we could be served better by the fertility clinic we chose (and so I can give birth in the hospital closest to my home).
  • I’ve been slowly collecting fragrant orchid plants.
  • We applied for IVF financing and were only given two terrible options (extremely high APR and not the amount of money we needed to loan).
  • We applied for a line of credit with our bank for a better loan and interest rate for our predicament.
  • We were approved for the line of credit with our bank.
  • We paid for the initial charges for IVF.
  • I got my Master’s Degree and my Administrative Credential.
  • I attended a duo baby shower for my two cousins who are expecting (actually one of them has given birth since last week) and I only cried about it a few times.
  • I started the portion of IVF that requires birth control to keep my ovaries calm.
  • I have an official PCOS diagnosis as the cause for infertility instead of “obesity” now thanks to this clinic.
  • I met with my IVF Nurse Coordinator and got a schedule for the next three months.
  • I ordered the injection medications that may be more than the payment for IVF if my insurance doesn’t cover it.
  • I start injections next week.

For those of you who don’t know, IVF is in vitro fertilization. That’s where the doctors grow as many follicles to maturity as possible in my ovaries, retrieve the eggs from the follicles, fertilize them with my partner’s sperm in a lab and watch over their growth. In my case, they are going to test at least 8 blastocysts for genetic abnormalities before freezing all the good-quality embryos that make it to that stage while my body calms down from the egg retrieval surgery. That is if there is successful fertilization.

This is the only egg retrieval cycle we can afford, so I’m really hoping things turn out well. I’m really hoping for at least four healthy little embryos.

I’ve been calling my IVF experience Project Science Baby among my best friends. It makes it seem more hopeful to me. I’m excited for it to start even though I really hate needles. I keep telling myself it’s completely worth it.

I’ll start updating after each of my appointments from here on out. My baseline appointment is scheduled for June 9!

Talk to you soon,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 10: The New Path is Forged

Posted on by babbles&brains

Guess what? I’m still NOT pregnant. Here’s a little art I drew about how I felt about this news:

I think it needs more test strips, cash, and bills, don’t you?

Yeah.

I was grieving for what I’m not able to have. And feeling completely without hope. It’s not comfortable. It hurts.

The good news is that I finally got my first appointment at the clinic that seems like everyone is raving about, and it’s actually GREAT. Also, it is over ten thousand dollars less than my insurance company’s fertility clinic. And, they are open daily year-round, which means they will work with my special uterus!

The doctor even recommended supplements and addressed all of my concerns and questions. THEY LISTENED TO ME. They gave me actual data on their process and success rates.

I felt so relieved to have a positive experience finally through this journey. A weight lifted off my heart. I feel like I can hope again.

But the cost is still high. Over 10k less than the other clinic, but still the price of a new car. I wish it wasn’t a financial burden to us just for the chance to become parents. And having to wait until we have the funds is torturing me.

To afford IVF, I’ve been working during my prep doing paperwork for another school so I can make a good chunk of funds by spring of 2022. I’ll be able to afford over half of the procedure on my own! Which means, we might become parents by August of 2022!

But it feels like FOREVER AND A DAY.

Anyway, I have a lot more hope in my heart than I did when I made that art. It still is part of me, but it’s not all of me anymore.

I haven’t started a GoFundMe for my treatment because it feels weird to have other people pay for us to make a baby, even if it’s with science. If we can’t do it on our own, why are we even going to try having kids when they’re more expensive afterwards? Maybe I’ll change my mind if we still can’t scrape up the funds. But since it’s the burden my husband and I bear, it doesn’t feel right to ask other people to give us money.

To our family on the other hand… If you really want us to be parents, please feel free to help us. Any little bit will go a long way. I know it will be so worth it.

Talk to y’all soon, hopefully with a good update!

Babblesandbrains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 9: Waiting for funds

Posted on by babbles&brains

Worst news first, the clinic we’ve been going to under our insurance wants up to $35,000 for one cycle of in vitro fertilization paid up front. No financing options. The entire payment is due before treatment.

WHAT!?

Obviously IVF is expensive. I know that. But I was not prepared to hear about that amount. That’s more than the price of my Honda CR-V. That’s a down payment on a house, a pretty nice one in California. That’s more than half of my yearly salary. It’s going to be really difficult to get a loan for that much. (For protection reasons, I will not be naming my current health insurance company. It’s an enormous company though, they have so much money already.)

Now, better news, I looked into another clinic not in our insurance system, and talked several people who went to this other clinic. After scouring their website in distress at the aforementioned worst news, they have financing options, and a cycle of IVF is LESS THAN HALF of the cost of the clinic under our insurance company. With financing options and payment plans!

I have an appointment to see them in September for a second opinion. It’s going to cost me several hundred dollars out of pocket, but if it goes well, I think I’m going to switch health insurance companies. I feel like the health insurance we have right now has failed us, that they only want money and aren’t actually listening to their patients (For example, telling me my ovulatory dysfunction is because of my weight when I’ve stated at least twenty times to just the clinic that I had anovulatory cycles when I was lighter. And I have only been at the fertility clinic in person a total of eight times in the past two years).

It’s going to still be at least a year until we can actually afford IVF.

Hopefully the next IUI is successful so we don’t even have to worry about IVF. hopefully we can start the next IUI cycle by next week. If this next IUI isn’t successful, I’m going to stop treatments until we can afford IVF.

So, we have to wait some more. A lot longer than I anticipated. I will probably not be posting my infertility saga for quite some time. However, I will be trying to keep as busy as possible. I have to show off my puppy and my plants and my amazing job as a teacher.

And as I’m waiting, I’m making a baby blanket for our future little one in the hopes that they will arrive one day.

My hope baby blanket that I started last week.

Anyway, I’m really sad right now. I’m sad we will have to put a pause on trying after this cycle. I’m sad that our insurance/clinic is gouging their prices. I’m sad that as a teacher in the United States I’m not paid a respectable living wage to actually afford more expensive health related procedures. I’m sad that I don’t have a sugar daddy to pay for expensive things like IVF because I’m happily married. I’m sad that I don’t get to be a mom yet.

But I’m not giving up.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents part 8: Third time is the… Fail.

Posted on by babbles&brains

Whatever happened this time, I blame my left ovary. Darn lefty!

To summarize, I did not do a third IUI, but I did take medication. The doctors noticed that my follicles were not growing at the pace expected from the femara I was taking. So, we had two options: injectables to see if we can get my follicles to grow enough to do an IUI, or just wait til next round and increase the dose of femara.

I talked with the doctor at length this time around. It’s so tough to do all the things and hope that you’re body works right enough to make it happen. They weren’t confident that injectables that late in the process of this cycle would actually result in pregnancy. Also, I realized my right ovary did really well, but this cycle my left ovary So I decided against going through with another procedure and more needles this time, and did “timed intercourse” instead.

Two weeks later, the pregnancy test was negative. Again. It’s been eighteen months. I feel like I’m stuck in the same cycle of being disappointed over and over.

Since this was supposed to be my third IUI, I also discussed with my doctor about what we should start next, and we set up an appointment to get an IVF consultation next month. I can still do IUI in the meantime, but this is the next step on the journey, since I can only take femara three more times.

So yay for getting somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

And boo to my left ovary, the fact that IVF costs so much in the United States, and needles. But if we can do anything and get through it, we can do this.

Tune in next time on my “Trying to Become Parents” journey.

Sincerely, Babblesandbrains

Posted in Miscellaneous Shenanigans

I have a FLOOF

Posted on by babbles&brains

I think I mentioned several times that during my tales of pain and suffering that I really needed a dog. Some sweet, fluffy cuddler that’s always happy to see me and wants to snuggle and play and helps me get out of my own head. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my cats, but they aren’t up for my wailing into their fur or forcing snuggles.

This is my sweet snuggle boy, Kenobi.

My big baby pup. Look at that helmet hair! So goofy.

I didn’t picture myself with an enormous breed of dog through childhood. But I fell in love with my in-laws’ “Golden-Aussie mix” puppy that grew and grew…. and GREW (I think their dog is a Leonberger mix or Great Pyrenees mix). That dog is a wonderful snuggle pup. So I’ve been waiting for my own gentle giant. and now he is here!

My sweet boy is a Great Pyrenees, and he is exactly what we needed.

We got him at 9 weeks old in January. He is now just over 4 months old and already 50 pounds. Very much in his velociraptor/destructive stage. All the stakes that held up trees and vines in the backyard are now his outside chew toys. He’s dug several holes, chewed up an extension cord to our fountain, unearthed part of our sprinkler system, and he sheds cotton balls EVERYWHERE. But, he stays within our fence, comes when called (mostly), leaves the cats alone to figure him out, and has so much love to give.

I love him, and he is perfect.

Someone once told me that I acted as if he is a placeholder for a child with the way I presented him to friends and family. He is not a placeholder. He is a big part of my heart. He is family, and came into my life at the exact time I needed him the most. Don’t ever talk like that about my baby dog son ever again.

He is going to be an excellent big brother to our future child. Some day.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 7: Second IUI Results and Reflection

Posted on by babbles&brains

New year, five months later, and not much changed for me.

Fourteen days after IUI and I’m not pregnant. Again. Ten percent chance, so I’m sure I’m just in the 90% that didn’t work out. Again.

I had some pretty intense cramping three days ago, which gave me a little hope and a lot of anxiety, and I bombarded myself with what-ifs: what if that’s implantation pain, what if that’s too late for implantation and I’ll have a miscarriage, what if this is all in my head anyway, what if I’m too stressed because of not being pregnant to get pregnant? I try not to do that, but sometimes I can’t help it. It’s awful though. How on earth does anyone get through this? There’s a part of me that wants to get a support group, but then another part that isn’t sure about hearing about other people’s successes if they happen sooner than mine.

Anyway, that’s the second of six IUIs I can do with my insurance. Apparently the 3rd and 4th are supposed to be the most “effective,” but then there’s also the crippling fear that even if I do get pregnant, I could miscarry. There is no amount of preparation I can do to not be devastated if that would happen. Again, with the what-ifs.

I’m feeling defeated right now. So I have to do some more reflecting on this whole thing.

I am going to do one more IUI and then decide if this is the path to motherhood I should continue on. I want to make sure I am mentally capable of handling terrible news for at least another year, or stopping treatments and looking into adoption.

Here’s what I want to do now:

  • Paint the entertainment center in the living room.
  • Paint the second bathroom.
  • Go on walks every day.
  • Practice mindful eating.
  • Do something just for me every day.

I think doing these things will help me get back on track to face the next part of this journey.

At least… I hope so.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents: Part 6- Waiting Some More

Posted on by babbles&brains

I was instructed to take an at home pregnancy test 16 days after the HCG trigger shot, and 14 days after the IUI. That day was yesterday, November 22, 2020.

The results were negative. A few hours later, I started my period. So here I am, still have never been pregnant, and still desiring to become a mom.

Thankfully, I’m not as devastated as I have been earlier this year. I mean, I did cry. A lot. But I was able to get up and go to work today. We did everything we could. It just wasn’t the time. It’s sad, but there’s a plan in there somewhere, that we have a next step to get to.

What I do know, is that I ovulated for sure. Which means, hopefully, my body will do it again this cycle without treatment. We probably won’t get to try IUI again or any medications for this cycle, because with the pandemic, women are only receiving treatments every other cycle unless there are appointments available. Which makes me feel like a whole cycle of my younger eggs is going to be wasted without treatment, like it’s guaranteed that it won’t happen without treatments to help us get pregnant. It feels unfair.

This whole process of infertility is unfair to me.

I endured childhood trauma–abuse, foster care, courtrooms, and more. I know how important being loved and cared for is to children. I suffered greatly from my own biological parents, and they were able to have children with no issues. I worked so hard with therapists and doctors with the goal of one day becoming a healthy parent. I know that children are a gift and a blessing, and I want my children to feel that they are cherished, that they very much belong. But I am still unable to conceive. When might I have my chance to have a beautiful “ever after” story doing my best to be a great parent with my husband?

Maybe January 2021 will be the month. I don’t know. Not knowing really hurts me.

I am in need of a puppy soon. I need something to keep my mind off of it, something to keep me going, something happy that I can spoil rotten. Something that will make me go out and get fresh air. A puppy, or a better harness for my black cat, Pantherlily, so I can take him out on walks. I just had an idea—- BOTH a puppy and a new harness for my cat so we can take them out on walks together!

Anyway, we’re going to keep trying.

If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility, let them know they’re not alone for me? Thanks.

Sincerely,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents- Part 5: A Milestone

Posted on by babbles&brains

I can’t believe this is might actually happen for me.

I haven’t posted since September because everything was basically the same. Not ovulating, no pregnancy, no parenthood in sight, just waiting to get an appointment to be seen and start a new course of treatment.

Right now, I am truly hopeful, and feel so much lighter. Though I haven’t been ovulating, I’ve finally had an appointment with the fertility clinic last week for an ultrasound to check for cysts before starting treatment for an IUI procedure. No cysts, and healthy follicles!

If you didn’t know, IUI means Intrauterine Insemination, a procedure where they take the male donor’s sperm as close as possible to the egg right at ovulation, to increase the chances of conception.

After two ultrasounds and a round of letrozole, my follicles look very healthy, the uterine lining is nice and cozy for conception, and everything is looking good. We’re just waiting for me to ovulate. I’m hoping that I do by Saturday, but if I don’t have an LH surge by tomorrow I think we might have to do another ultrasound and maybe even a HCG trigger shot to get my body to ovulate for the procedure.

The good news is, within the next seven days, I might finally become pregnant for the first time. I mean, I won’t really know for two weeks after the procedure, but it might happen. The chances are good. Everything is looking great. I’m trying to be as positive as possible.

The doctor and nurses I’ve seen have been so optimistic and hopeful about it, and it makes me have more hope that I will become a mom soon.

I’m not sure why I desire becoming a parent so much, I know how difficult it will be to be a parent. But this desire is overwhelming my heart and soul. I’ve prayed on this so much, asking God why this desire is adhered to my soul so strongly, but it hasn’t lifted or lessened after all this time.

So I truly, deeply hope that this will happen for us.

Please pray for us, send well wishes or good vibes. But again, no baby dust, because that sounds like you’re making dust out of babies and that’s just weird.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents- Part 4: Pandemic Blues

Posted on by babbles&brains

Warning: This post has moments that are possibly TMI.

Trying to have a baby in a pandemic is difficult, especially if it is difficult to conceive. I finally started my period (about a week and a half late because I don’t think I ovulated. Believe me, I took a ton of pregnancy tests, all negative). I called the clinic as instructed on the first day of my cycle, and guess what? No appointments available.

The fertility clinic patients are getting treatments every other cycle with all of the regulations and social distancing rules. So since I couldn’t get an appointment this time, I’m on the list to get an appointment next cycle. But I don’t know when that will happen at this point. It’s not guaranteed that I can get an appointment next cycle either.

This is hard. I really need to have this appointment to rule out cysts and begin a different treatment to conceive. It’s the next step to starting a family for us. It’s all up in the air now.

I thought I found some patience and peace about waiting since meeting the specialist at an online appointment. Now I’m just so frustrated, and sad. Why can’t I just be a little bit normal at least and conceive like so many others can? How come no matter how much I want to be a parent, there are SO many obstacles in the way? What is so wrong with me?

There are other patients who are older than me, where time is running out for them, and they deserve the chance to have a family if they want it. Thankfully, I’m still young and have time, even if I’m tired of waiting. I may have to be more patient still.

Stay healthy and safe, everyone. I think we all want things to go back to normal.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 3

Posted on by babbles&brains

Bad news first: we are still not pregnant.

Good news: We finally had our first appointment with our fertility specialist.

Here’s what happened.

Our blood tests came back good and normal, my HSG procedure had normal results, and my husband’s sample was normal. I’ve been having regular periods since I took Clomid back in April.

The only thing we don’t know and haven’t ruled out is Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I don’t know why, but my OB never did a routine ultrasound to see the health of my ovaries. I have only had ultrasounds done at the emergency room back in January when I had a hemorrhagic cyst, and nobody told me anything else about my ovaries. We have to do that at the start of my next cycle (if we can get an appointment). We were informed that there are other medications and treatments we can do to help me continue ovulating, which I am thankful that there are more options before more expensive and invasive treatments.

If we don’t have success with a different medication after a few cycles, we will probably end up doing Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

Thankfully, all of these treatments are partially covered with our insurance. It doesn’t mean that it won’t be expensive, but it does mean that we can make it happen comfortably with some smart budgeting. That is a huge relief.

I’ve been working very hard on reducing stress and anxiety during this time, and am so relieved to have more information on how my body is working. I’m finally beginning to feel hopeful again that we can really become parents.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains