Tag: infertility journey

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 10: The New Path is Forged

Posted on by babbles&brains

Guess what? I’m still NOT pregnant. Here’s a little art I drew about how I felt about this news:

I think it needs more test strips, cash, and bills, don’t you?

Yeah.

I was grieving for what I’m not able to have. And feeling completely without hope. It’s not comfortable. It hurts.

The good news is that I finally got my first appointment at the clinic that seems like everyone is raving about, and it’s actually GREAT. Also, it is over ten thousand dollars less than my insurance company’s fertility clinic. And, they are open daily year-round, which means they will work with my special uterus!

The doctor even recommended supplements and addressed all of my concerns and questions. THEY LISTENED TO ME. They gave me actual data on their process and success rates.

I felt so relieved to have a positive experience finally through this journey. A weight lifted off my heart. I feel like I can hope again.

But the cost is still high. Over 10k less than the other clinic, but still the price of a new car. I wish it wasn’t a financial burden to us just for the chance to become parents. And having to wait until we have the funds is torturing me.

To afford IVF, I’ve been working during my prep doing paperwork for another school so I can make a good chunk of funds by spring of 2022. I’ll be able to afford over half of the procedure on my own! Which means, we might become parents by August of 2022!

But it feels like FOREVER AND A DAY.

Anyway, I have a lot more hope in my heart than I did when I made that art. It still is part of me, but it’s not all of me anymore.

I haven’t started a GoFundMe for my treatment because it feels weird to have other people pay for us to make a baby, even if it’s with science. If we can’t do it on our own, why are we even going to try having kids when they’re more expensive afterwards? Maybe I’ll change my mind if we still can’t scrape up the funds. But since it’s the burden my husband and I bear, it doesn’t feel right to ask other people to give us money.

To our family on the other hand… If you really want us to be parents, please feel free to help us. Any little bit will go a long way. I know it will be so worth it.

Talk to y’all soon, hopefully with a good update!

Babblesandbrains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 9: Waiting for funds

Posted on by babbles&brains

Worst news first, the clinic we’ve been going to under our insurance wants up to $35,000 for one cycle of in vitro fertilization paid up front. No financing options. The entire payment is due before treatment.

WHAT!?

Obviously IVF is expensive. I know that. But I was not prepared to hear about that amount. That’s more than the price of my Honda CR-V. That’s a down payment on a house, a pretty nice one in California. That’s more than half of my yearly salary. It’s going to be really difficult to get a loan for that much. (For protection reasons, I will not be naming my current health insurance company. It’s an enormous company though, they have so much money already.)

Now, better news, I looked into another clinic not in our insurance system, and talked several people who went to this other clinic. After scouring their website in distress at the aforementioned worst news, they have financing options, and a cycle of IVF is LESS THAN HALF of the cost of the clinic under our insurance company. With financing options and payment plans!

I have an appointment to see them in September for a second opinion. It’s going to cost me several hundred dollars out of pocket, but if it goes well, I think I’m going to switch health insurance companies. I feel like the health insurance we have right now has failed us, that they only want money and aren’t actually listening to their patients (For example, telling me my ovulatory dysfunction is because of my weight when I’ve stated at least twenty times to just the clinic that I had anovulatory cycles when I was lighter. And I have only been at the fertility clinic in person a total of eight times in the past two years).

It’s going to still be at least a year until we can actually afford IVF.

Hopefully the next IUI is successful so we don’t even have to worry about IVF. hopefully we can start the next IUI cycle by next week. If this next IUI isn’t successful, I’m going to stop treatments until we can afford IVF.

So, we have to wait some more. A lot longer than I anticipated. I will probably not be posting my infertility saga for quite some time. However, I will be trying to keep as busy as possible. I have to show off my puppy and my plants and my amazing job as a teacher.

And as I’m waiting, I’m making a baby blanket for our future little one in the hopes that they will arrive one day.

My hope baby blanket that I started last week.

Anyway, I’m really sad right now. I’m sad we will have to put a pause on trying after this cycle. I’m sad that our insurance/clinic is gouging their prices. I’m sad that as a teacher in the United States I’m not paid a respectable living wage to actually afford more expensive health related procedures. I’m sad that I don’t have a sugar daddy to pay for expensive things like IVF because I’m happily married. I’m sad that I don’t get to be a mom yet.

But I’m not giving up.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents part 8: Third time is the… Fail.

Posted on by babbles&brains

Whatever happened this time, I blame my left ovary. Darn lefty!

To summarize, I did not do a third IUI, but I did take medication. The doctors noticed that my follicles were not growing at the pace expected from the femara I was taking. So, we had two options: injectables to see if we can get my follicles to grow enough to do an IUI, or just wait til next round and increase the dose of femara.

I talked with the doctor at length this time around. It’s so tough to do all the things and hope that you’re body works right enough to make it happen. They weren’t confident that injectables that late in the process of this cycle would actually result in pregnancy. Also, I realized my right ovary did really well, but this cycle my left ovary So I decided against going through with another procedure and more needles this time, and did “timed intercourse” instead.

Two weeks later, the pregnancy test was negative. Again. It’s been eighteen months. I feel like I’m stuck in the same cycle of being disappointed over and over.

Since this was supposed to be my third IUI, I also discussed with my doctor about what we should start next, and we set up an appointment to get an IVF consultation next month. I can still do IUI in the meantime, but this is the next step on the journey, since I can only take femara three more times.

So yay for getting somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

And boo to my left ovary, the fact that IVF costs so much in the United States, and needles. But if we can do anything and get through it, we can do this.

Tune in next time on my “Trying to Become Parents” journey.

Sincerely, Babblesandbrains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 7: Second IUI Results and Reflection

Posted on by babbles&brains

New year, five months later, and not much changed for me.

Fourteen days after IUI and I’m not pregnant. Again. Ten percent chance, so I’m sure I’m just in the 90% that didn’t work out. Again.

I had some pretty intense cramping three days ago, which gave me a little hope and a lot of anxiety, and I bombarded myself with what-ifs: what if that’s implantation pain, what if that’s too late for implantation and I’ll have a miscarriage, what if this is all in my head anyway, what if I’m too stressed because of not being pregnant to get pregnant? I try not to do that, but sometimes I can’t help it. It’s awful though. How on earth does anyone get through this? There’s a part of me that wants to get a support group, but then another part that isn’t sure about hearing about other people’s successes if they happen sooner than mine.

Anyway, that’s the second of six IUIs I can do with my insurance. Apparently the 3rd and 4th are supposed to be the most “effective,” but then there’s also the crippling fear that even if I do get pregnant, I could miscarry. There is no amount of preparation I can do to not be devastated if that would happen. Again, with the what-ifs.

I’m feeling defeated right now. So I have to do some more reflecting on this whole thing.

I am going to do one more IUI and then decide if this is the path to motherhood I should continue on. I want to make sure I am mentally capable of handling terrible news for at least another year, or stopping treatments and looking into adoption.

Here’s what I want to do now:

  • Paint the entertainment center in the living room.
  • Paint the second bathroom.
  • Go on walks every day.
  • Practice mindful eating.
  • Do something just for me every day.

I think doing these things will help me get back on track to face the next part of this journey.

At least… I hope so.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents: Part 6- Waiting Some More

Posted on by babbles&brains

I was instructed to take an at home pregnancy test 16 days after the HCG trigger shot, and 14 days after the IUI. That day was yesterday, November 22, 2020.

The results were negative. A few hours later, I started my period. So here I am, still have never been pregnant, and still desiring to become a mom.

Thankfully, I’m not as devastated as I have been earlier this year. I mean, I did cry. A lot. But I was able to get up and go to work today. We did everything we could. It just wasn’t the time. It’s sad, but there’s a plan in there somewhere, that we have a next step to get to.

What I do know, is that I ovulated for sure. Which means, hopefully, my body will do it again this cycle without treatment. We probably won’t get to try IUI again or any medications for this cycle, because with the pandemic, women are only receiving treatments every other cycle unless there are appointments available. Which makes me feel like a whole cycle of my younger eggs is going to be wasted without treatment, like it’s guaranteed that it won’t happen without treatments to help us get pregnant. It feels unfair.

This whole process of infertility is unfair to me.

I endured childhood trauma–abuse, foster care, courtrooms, and more. I know how important being loved and cared for is to children. I suffered greatly from my own biological parents, and they were able to have children with no issues. I worked so hard with therapists and doctors with the goal of one day becoming a healthy parent. I know that children are a gift and a blessing, and I want my children to feel that they are cherished, that they very much belong. But I am still unable to conceive. When might I have my chance to have a beautiful “ever after” story doing my best to be a great parent with my husband?

Maybe January 2021 will be the month. I don’t know. Not knowing really hurts me.

I am in need of a puppy soon. I need something to keep my mind off of it, something to keep me going, something happy that I can spoil rotten. Something that will make me go out and get fresh air. A puppy, or a better harness for my black cat, Pantherlily, so I can take him out on walks. I just had an idea—- BOTH a puppy and a new harness for my cat so we can take them out on walks together!

Anyway, we’re going to keep trying.

If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility, let them know they’re not alone for me? Thanks.

Sincerely,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 3

Posted on by babbles&brains

Bad news first: we are still not pregnant.

Good news: We finally had our first appointment with our fertility specialist.

Here’s what happened.

Our blood tests came back good and normal, my HSG procedure had normal results, and my husband’s sample was normal. I’ve been having regular periods since I took Clomid back in April.

The only thing we don’t know and haven’t ruled out is Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I don’t know why, but my OB never did a routine ultrasound to see the health of my ovaries. I have only had ultrasounds done at the emergency room back in January when I had a hemorrhagic cyst, and nobody told me anything else about my ovaries. We have to do that at the start of my next cycle (if we can get an appointment). We were informed that there are other medications and treatments we can do to help me continue ovulating, which I am thankful that there are more options before more expensive and invasive treatments.

If we don’t have success with a different medication after a few cycles, we will probably end up doing Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

Thankfully, all of these treatments are partially covered with our insurance. It doesn’t mean that it won’t be expensive, but it does mean that we can make it happen comfortably with some smart budgeting. That is a huge relief.

I’ve been working very hard on reducing stress and anxiety during this time, and am so relieved to have more information on how my body is working. I’m finally beginning to feel hopeful again that we can really become parents.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Bullet Journaling

Bullet Journal update! August 2020

Posted on by babbles&brains

NOTICE: Some of the following links are affiliate links. However, all of the products in this post I have purchased myself. Click here for more information.

It’s been a minute since I shared bullet journaling stuff on my blog. Last time I talked about my supplies. For this school year, I got the Scribbles That Matter “Starry Night” insert. I also the white Sakura Gelly Roll White pens to start off with. After doing a lot of research, I was able to score some inexpensive metallic brush pens. For my birthday, a friend sent me the Sakura Moonlight Gelly Roll Pens and THEY. ARE. SO. CUTE! I’ve got some tips and tricks about these things, which I’ll share today.

I didn’t share my July on time, and I also skipped a few weeks. But I have pics of what I have done so here it is. I found the ice cream super adorable, and got the idea from a friend who did shave ice and ice cream for her July theme.

And I actually used a little bit of washi tape. SO CUTE!

So, I’m getting used to these black pages. And since I’ve been working with it, here is some advice for you to keep things looking good!

Let it dry. Gel pens are gorgeous, fluid, shapely, but they take a while to dry. A looooong while. More than you think. I get impatient and close my book and BOOM. Gel pen transfer on my pretty pages. I still don’t know how to get it to dry and solidify quicker. That’s my next research project.

Easy Fixing with Black ink. The awesome thing about my black journal is that it is SO easy to fix a mistake and make it unnoticeable: using black ink. I have been using the Tombow Fudenosuke pens for fixing little transfer dots, line mishaps, and if I write Monday instead of Sunday while trying to write out my weekly. Let that black ink dry too.

Have fun! Seriously, it’s all about having fun for me right now while I organize my life into one dotted notebook. Anything cute and adorable on Pinterest for white page notebooks can totally be re-imagined for black pages. For example, my August spread:

Yeah, I made citrus look freaking fantastic on black pages.

I love working in this journal. I can’t wait to make a nighttime fall theme for September.

That’s all for now. I’ll update you on my Trying to Become Parents next Wednesday.

Sincerely,

Babbles&brains