Tag: fertility

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 9: Waiting for funds

Posted on by babbles&brains

Worst news first, the clinic we’ve been going to under our insurance wants up to $35,000 for one cycle of in vitro fertilization paid up front. No financing options. The entire payment is due before treatment.

WHAT!?

Obviously IVF is expensive. I know that. But I was not prepared to hear about that amount. That’s more than the price of my Honda CR-V. That’s a down payment on a house, a pretty nice one in California. That’s more than half of my yearly salary. It’s going to be really difficult to get a loan for that much. (For protection reasons, I will not be naming my current health insurance company. It’s an enormous company though, they have so much money already.)

Now, better news, I looked into another clinic not in our insurance system, and talked several people who went to this other clinic. After scouring their website in distress at the aforementioned worst news, they have financing options, and a cycle of IVF is LESS THAN HALF of the cost of the clinic under our insurance company. With financing options and payment plans!

I have an appointment to see them in September for a second opinion. It’s going to cost me several hundred dollars out of pocket, but if it goes well, I think I’m going to switch health insurance companies. I feel like the health insurance we have right now has failed us, that they only want money and aren’t actually listening to their patients (For example, telling me my ovulatory dysfunction is because of my weight when I’ve stated at least twenty times to just the clinic that I had anovulatory cycles when I was lighter. And I have only been at the fertility clinic in person a total of eight times in the past two years).

It’s going to still be at least a year until we can actually afford IVF.

Hopefully the next IUI is successful so we don’t even have to worry about IVF. hopefully we can start the next IUI cycle by next week. If this next IUI isn’t successful, I’m going to stop treatments until we can afford IVF.

So, we have to wait some more. A lot longer than I anticipated. I will probably not be posting my infertility saga for quite some time. However, I will be trying to keep as busy as possible. I have to show off my puppy and my plants and my amazing job as a teacher.

And as I’m waiting, I’m making a baby blanket for our future little one in the hopes that they will arrive one day.

My hope baby blanket that I started last week.

Anyway, I’m really sad right now. I’m sad we will have to put a pause on trying after this cycle. I’m sad that our insurance/clinic is gouging their prices. I’m sad that as a teacher in the United States I’m not paid a respectable living wage to actually afford more expensive health related procedures. I’m sad that I don’t have a sugar daddy to pay for expensive things like IVF because I’m happily married. I’m sad that I don’t get to be a mom yet.

But I’m not giving up.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents part 8: Third time is the… Fail.

Posted on by babbles&brains

Whatever happened this time, I blame my left ovary. Darn lefty!

To summarize, I did not do a third IUI, but I did take medication. The doctors noticed that my follicles were not growing at the pace expected from the femara I was taking. So, we had two options: injectables to see if we can get my follicles to grow enough to do an IUI, or just wait til next round and increase the dose of femara.

I talked with the doctor at length this time around. It’s so tough to do all the things and hope that you’re body works right enough to make it happen. They weren’t confident that injectables that late in the process of this cycle would actually result in pregnancy. Also, I realized my right ovary did really well, but this cycle my left ovary So I decided against going through with another procedure and more needles this time, and did “timed intercourse” instead.

Two weeks later, the pregnancy test was negative. Again. It’s been eighteen months. I feel like I’m stuck in the same cycle of being disappointed over and over.

Since this was supposed to be my third IUI, I also discussed with my doctor about what we should start next, and we set up an appointment to get an IVF consultation next month. I can still do IUI in the meantime, but this is the next step on the journey, since I can only take femara three more times.

So yay for getting somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

And boo to my left ovary, the fact that IVF costs so much in the United States, and needles. But if we can do anything and get through it, we can do this.

Tune in next time on my “Trying to Become Parents” journey.

Sincerely, Babblesandbrains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 7: Second IUI Results and Reflection

Posted on by babbles&brains

New year, five months later, and not much changed for me.

Fourteen days after IUI and I’m not pregnant. Again. Ten percent chance, so I’m sure I’m just in the 90% that didn’t work out. Again.

I had some pretty intense cramping three days ago, which gave me a little hope and a lot of anxiety, and I bombarded myself with what-ifs: what if that’s implantation pain, what if that’s too late for implantation and I’ll have a miscarriage, what if this is all in my head anyway, what if I’m too stressed because of not being pregnant to get pregnant? I try not to do that, but sometimes I can’t help it. It’s awful though. How on earth does anyone get through this? There’s a part of me that wants to get a support group, but then another part that isn’t sure about hearing about other people’s successes if they happen sooner than mine.

Anyway, that’s the second of six IUIs I can do with my insurance. Apparently the 3rd and 4th are supposed to be the most “effective,” but then there’s also the crippling fear that even if I do get pregnant, I could miscarry. There is no amount of preparation I can do to not be devastated if that would happen. Again, with the what-ifs.

I’m feeling defeated right now. So I have to do some more reflecting on this whole thing.

I am going to do one more IUI and then decide if this is the path to motherhood I should continue on. I want to make sure I am mentally capable of handling terrible news for at least another year, or stopping treatments and looking into adoption.

Here’s what I want to do now:

  • Paint the entertainment center in the living room.
  • Paint the second bathroom.
  • Go on walks every day.
  • Practice mindful eating.
  • Do something just for me every day.

I think doing these things will help me get back on track to face the next part of this journey.

At least… I hope so.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents- Part 4: Pandemic Blues

Posted on by babbles&brains

Warning: This post has moments that are possibly TMI.

Trying to have a baby in a pandemic is difficult, especially if it is difficult to conceive. I finally started my period (about a week and a half late because I don’t think I ovulated. Believe me, I took a ton of pregnancy tests, all negative). I called the clinic as instructed on the first day of my cycle, and guess what? No appointments available.

The fertility clinic patients are getting treatments every other cycle with all of the regulations and social distancing rules. So since I couldn’t get an appointment this time, I’m on the list to get an appointment next cycle. But I don’t know when that will happen at this point. It’s not guaranteed that I can get an appointment next cycle either.

This is hard. I really need to have this appointment to rule out cysts and begin a different treatment to conceive. It’s the next step to starting a family for us. It’s all up in the air now.

I thought I found some patience and peace about waiting since meeting the specialist at an online appointment. Now I’m just so frustrated, and sad. Why can’t I just be a little bit normal at least and conceive like so many others can? How come no matter how much I want to be a parent, there are SO many obstacles in the way? What is so wrong with me?

There are other patients who are older than me, where time is running out for them, and they deserve the chance to have a family if they want it. Thankfully, I’m still young and have time, even if I’m tired of waiting. I may have to be more patient still.

Stay healthy and safe, everyone. I think we all want things to go back to normal.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 3

Posted on by babbles&brains

Bad news first: we are still not pregnant.

Good news: We finally had our first appointment with our fertility specialist.

Here’s what happened.

Our blood tests came back good and normal, my HSG procedure had normal results, and my husband’s sample was normal. I’ve been having regular periods since I took Clomid back in April.

The only thing we don’t know and haven’t ruled out is Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I don’t know why, but my OB never did a routine ultrasound to see the health of my ovaries. I have only had ultrasounds done at the emergency room back in January when I had a hemorrhagic cyst, and nobody told me anything else about my ovaries. We have to do that at the start of my next cycle (if we can get an appointment). We were informed that there are other medications and treatments we can do to help me continue ovulating, which I am thankful that there are more options before more expensive and invasive treatments.

If we don’t have success with a different medication after a few cycles, we will probably end up doing Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

Thankfully, all of these treatments are partially covered with our insurance. It doesn’t mean that it won’t be expensive, but it does mean that we can make it happen comfortably with some smart budgeting. That is a huge relief.

I’ve been working very hard on reducing stress and anxiety during this time, and am so relieved to have more information on how my body is working. I’m finally beginning to feel hopeful again that we can really become parents.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 1

Posted on by babbles&brains

I’m a teacher in an alternative education school, going to school for my masters and administrative credential, my husband and I just bought a house and moved in, and from the depths of my heart and soul I want to be a mom. So much.

I got married at 23, and my husband and I wanted to wait and live children-free before we started family planning. So we waited five years. Rather, I waited impatiently, and my husband had a set date before we would start trying: January 2020. Got to be honest, I was not happy with waiting for so long, and I wanted to start trying as soon as I turned 27. However, it was my husband who needed time to feel a little more “ready,” and I know he will be an even better dad for his patience.

I don’t have a detailed knowledge of my paternal health history, so I made sure that in 2019 to get a genetic screening to see if I was a carrier for anything that would impact the health of our future child. Thankfully, I am not a carrier.

I know that for many women, they wait at least one year of trying before seeking help from their OBGYN. However, in January I made sure to seek help because I’m really impatient, AND I have irregular cycles. I didn’t have a regular period for 8 months in 2019, which means I likely wasn’t ovulating at all. In January, I had a hemorrhagic cyst (my doctor said it was tiny) and ended up in the emergency room because of the pain and all the bleeding. After checking in with my OB after the emergency room visit, we decided to work on getting my body to ovulate with Clomid (also known as Clomiphene).

I was so hopeful. I worked so hard: peeing into little cups, taking my temperature in the middle of the night, checking cervical mucus, doing the horizontal-no-pants-dance at the optimal times, losing weight so that it will be easier to conceive, the whole enchilada. I took Clomid for four cycles, and the last two I took Clomid at double original dose per my doctor’s instructions. All of the testing I was doing at home said I had ovulated every time.

All pregnancy results were negative, and since I took over three rounds of Clomid with no success, there was nothing else my OBGYN could do to help me get pregnant. Every single time I got a negative result, I was devastated. The last round and negative result caused me to be stuck in bed crying and hating my body for at minimum a week.

It’s okay to mourn for something that didn’t ever happen, especially if you very much wanted it to.

So I took a break from stressing myself out at the end of May through June. I mean, we had to move into our new home anyway and that was stressful enough.

Our journey to becoming parents isn’t over. We were referred to a fertility clinic and are going to get a whole gambit of testing done. Unfortunately, with the COVID-19 outbreak, I couldn’t schedule anything in June really and radiology is only doing one of the procedures I need to schedule and it’s time-sensitive. So now I have to wait for another cycle and MAYBE I’ll be able to do all the tests required. I just want to know what’s going on with my body. Do I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome? Do I have endometriosis? Is there something else that’s keeping me from ovulating? I need to know what’s going on to eradicate my irrational fear of never getting to be a parent.

I’ve always had the irrational fear that I might never be able to have a baby, because of how I came to be. Currently, I’m trying to get rid of that fear, but it’s been six months with no success even with assistance, it’s starting to feel more rational. So I’m not going to keep up all the testing and tracking right now. I just can’t do that for my sanity.

I’m not going to stop trying. I’m just going to keep working on limiting stress and keeping my body as healthy as possible, and make attempts at being patient.

Don’t wish me baby dust or send baby dust my way, that sounds way too creepy. Also, please don’t give me advice right now, it makes me feel inadequate. I mean, I have doctors who are doing their best to figure things out, and a lot of independent researching of my own. If you want to give support, the best ways for me are: prayer, good vibes, peace and calm, well wishes, eating cookies and ice cream on my behalf, and keep reading whenever I post.

I will keep you in the loop on the next update.