I could not handle even looking into childcare. It made me panic every time it was brought up. Leaving my boy with someone or company when he truly should be with his mom and dad was too much.
My district doesn’t give monetary support for family bonding. If I didn’t have disability insurance, I would have to pay my substitute during maternity leave out of my paycheck. Family bonding time would be unpaid, and we couldn’t afford that.
The principal provided a pump room for me, but it was difficult to have coverage to pump, and I always felt in a rush to get back.
I cried a lot that school year. My sweet boy would cry when he saw me leave, or I had to give up sweet baby snuggles so I could go to work. If I were to express exactly how that felt, I would probably cry some more.
My husband works from home most of the week, though, so our son was happy at home with his dad.
His first word was “Dada” (more on that later). Naturally.
That’s all I can really say about month four. It was hard, and I absolutely loved coming home to a baby happy to see me. Until next time,
Something magical and inexplicable happened when our boy turned three months old.
I think that it was that we finally hit a good rhythm that worked for the whole family. I no longer needed to pump eight times a day, and got more time to hold our son in my arms while he napped and just looked at him.
He started smiling while awake in response to us, feeling his environment, looking around at his world, making the cutest cooing and babbles…
Our teacup house panther loves to be around our boy.
I finally had a little bit of time and space to truly enjoy being his mom.
Even though I clearly remembered exactly what my birth experience felt like, watching my baby become less of a newborn potato made me really want to have another baby as soon as time and energy allowed.
We were finally out of survival mode, I think.
Our boy hated tummy time unless it was on me, and he started teething, but no teeth showed up for months. He was copying faces and started to laugh a little which was so precious. His babbles and the way he hummed to soothe himself while sleepy made both of his parents fall in love with him all over again.
Our son was in preemie-size clothes for his first month, and he graduated to newborn clothes during his second month. And he graduated to cloth diapers, at least the newborn-size ones.
Two for two months old!
As soon as he started eating from me better, we were all able to get a little bit better sleep. He was not a good independent sleeper. He needed contact to sleep, and I wasn’t going to refuse that. We co-slept safely at night, and during the day he was in our arms.
Since he was still very much a newborn, it was obviously very similar to the first month. We still didn’t have a lot of sleep, feeding around the clock, learning how to read his cues. It didn’t feel intuitive for us, so we relied on help from the Huckleberry app and the lactation club. The basic subscription to Huckleberry SweetSpots for naps and bedtimes was so helpful in keeping our son from getting too grumpy, and less crying meant we were less frazzled. Getting to be in a safe space to learn all about feeding my baby with other moms who also struggled was so precious and valuable.
We were still completely exhausted from being up so frequently around the clock. We did get to take turns playing Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom while we passed our sleepy or hungry son back and forth.
The most precious moments were seeing my husband become an amazing dad. Making faces, talking to our son in funny voices, holding and rocking him to sleep, and getting sprayed during diaper changes (which happen more often than you think).
If we had to do it all over again, I think I would try to go on more outdoor walks during the day. It would have helped me immensely with postpartum depression and anxiety, but it was very difficult for me to figure out the best time to do it between feeding and napping.
If there’s any advice to give parents with their very first newborn, it’s to have someone you trust come by every day and hold your baby while they nap at least once a day so you can actually nap too.
Our house panther immediately snuggled with Dad and babe when we got home from the hospital. Our son was SO little!
Birth was not too difficult for me, I was induced at 37 weeks, so he was only 5 pounds, 6.7 ounces. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck by the time he was ready to come out, so we didn’t get skin-to-skin immediately because he needed some help from the pediatric team right away. But we did get it minutes later. He was healthy and holding him in my arms for the first time made me feel whole.
Then came the actual difficult things. He didn’t have enough cheek fat to latch well, and his glucose level got too low too many times and had to spend some time in the NICU. We were using syringes and a tube that would encourage him to latch and suckle, so the three of us were involved in every feeding every two hours. He struggled to gain weight his first week, so he and I went to a lactation club with a lactation nurse to help us. We were put on a triple feeding schedule to keep encouraging him to latch and make sure he was getting enough food to gain weight.
The triple feeding schedule was like this: Every two hours after the start of his last feeding, spend 30 minutes trying to breastfeed. Then, if he’s not latching still, he gets a bottle of a certain amount of breastmilk or formula while I pump for at least 30 minutes. Then we would burp him and feed him again another measured amount. It took ages, was grueling, and we also had to deal with my hormones and mental health at the same time.
He would only latch twice a week at the lactation club. Trying to impress the nurses, I’m sure. Almost all the other times I tried to feed him, he screamed at my chest because he was hungry and just couldn’t get it, so he got a bottle and I pumped while crying about it. It was so heartbreaking when I tried everything and he still couldn’t latch and just eat and be at peace. We were “triple-feeding” for a month, and then finally, at 30 days exactly, he gained enough fat and muscle to latch properly.
That was just feeding for the first month of his life. It was definitely overwhelming. I also started physical therapy for Bell’s Palsy (unique pregnancy plus viral infection symptom) and having to leave my newborn to exercise my face felt so wrong, but it was really good that I had to do something to take care of myself.
It was lovely to have someone we trust come by at least twice a week to hold our sleeping son while the new parents got some sleep. The sleep deprivation was absolutely torture. Despite all these huge challenges, we all made it!
That’s enough babbles from me for our first month as brand-new parents. Next week is the 2-month update. See you then!
I know, it’s been ages. But that’s the best news, right?
Our sweet boy is now one year and 3 months old, and it’s been a whirlwind. I really wanted to do my best and focus on my first year as a little family. So, thanks for waiting for about two years for me.
His sweet little hands!
For the sake of allowing my babe to have a choice in his digital footprint, among other protections my son deserves, I will only be posting non-identifying photos of my son on my blog. Thanks for understanding!
I don’t want this blog to be intolerably long, so I will let you know I plan to update weekly on Thursdays with each month of adventure we’ve had so far with our son.
So much has happened since the last time I posted. The PGT results came in and indicated that we had three genetically viable embryos, and we signed off on transferring one this month. Transfer day was August 12, 2022.
My sweet husband and I, very much ready for our first embryo transfer.
The transfer itself was very quick. The prep was not fun. Apparently I have a smaller bladder than normal people so that made things uncomfortable for a while. But it was done and it was a perfect transfer!
And now, we’re waiting for my beta test appointments. Four days left actually for when I get results. FOUR. DAYS.
I’ve never been this close to being pregnant before. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel in my body with pregnancy, so I can’t really say with confidence that I am without more proof. I have the cutest picture of our embryo, but I’m not ready to share it until we get our official news.
After all this time, we have four embryos being biopsied and frozen.
This is next! AHHHH THIS IS NEXT.
I am over the moon excited we have such a good chance of being parents now. We’re so close!
Now we just have to wait for our pgt results and my body to rest to get ready for pregnancy.
From 21 eggs, we had 16 mature eggs, and 9 fertilized normally, and by day 5/6 we got four embryos growing properly enough to be PGT tested.
We haven’t completely decided quite yet because we will discuss the plans with our doctor and nurse, but we’re really hoping we can do two embryos at once this first egg transfer in mid-August. I don’t mind twins, though I know the goal is one healthy pregnancy at a time and multiples make it risky. But we also have to wait to see if our embryos have all the chromosomes they’re supposed to for a viable pregnancy. So our number of embryos could be smaller in about two weeks. I’m really hoping we continue receiving good news on our little ones.
So I’ve been doing the stimulation injections for 10 days and we’re so close to the egg retrieval! I trigger tonight and tomorrow morning and retrieval surgery is on Monday. It’s here. It’s really happening!
An illustrated example of what we hope to happen with all our eggs Monday!
I have 23 follicles growing steadily. I’m absolutely one to count eggs before they hatch. This is how my math works: 23 eggs that can get fertilized, they’re probably going to get about 20 eggs from the retrieval, about 1/3 of these eggs will get fertilized and grow to day 5 to get frozen. That means by Saturday, we will ideally get 6-7 embryos before they are tested for chromosome abnormalities.
I mean technically, it only takes one to take, but having our best chances for success would be ideal, and a few saved for multiple tries or a sibling later would be great. Regardless, I’ll be over the moon if we have just one embryo. That’s one possible baby I’d never have without IVF.
I’d really like to never have to do another egg retrieval though. It is very uncomfortable right now having ovaries the size of Meyer lemons. And it’s definitely out of our budget to do this again. #myteachersalaryisajoke
Anyway, wish us the best outcome! We’re so excited to finally start our family soon. Until next time,
Today is day 5 of injections for stimulating my ovaries to grow as many follicles as possible for my body. I’m trying to stay hopeful while also trying not to think too much about what I can’t see right now. That part is going okay, I think.
This is just some of the injections and supplies. I have a whole pharmacy in my bathroom!
Tomorrow we start counting follicles and measuring their size. So the doctor can start figuring out how many eggs they can get.
Every night when my spouse helps me with the injections, I am still amazed that this is actually happening for us, that we are actually getting so much closer to starting our family.
I’m taking each day at a time, trying to fill each day with something enjoyable. We have just about a week left before the big retrieval day. Already! I’m so nervous but I’m doing everything I can to be as healthy and ready as possible.
I have not updated the “Trying To Become Parents Journey” since November 2021. And finally, I have more to share than “I’m just waiting.” Here’s a list of what’s happened since that March 2021 post:
Just the start of all the medications and supplements I have to take daily
We changed insurances so we could be served better by the fertility clinic we chose (and so I can give birth in the hospital closest to my home).
I’ve been slowly collecting fragrant orchid plants.
We applied for IVF financing and were only given two terrible options (extremely high APR and not the amount of money we needed to loan).
We applied for a line of credit with our bank for a better loan and interest rate for our predicament.
We were approved for the line of credit with our bank.
We paid for the initial charges for IVF.
I got my Master’s Degree and my Administrative Credential.
I attended a duo baby shower for my two cousins who are expecting (actually one of them has given birth since last week) and I only cried about it a few times.
I started the portion of IVF that requires birth control to keep my ovaries calm.
I have an official PCOS diagnosis as the cause for infertility instead of “obesity” now thanks to this clinic.
I met with my IVF Nurse Coordinator and got a schedule for the next three months.
I ordered the injection medications that may be more than the payment for IVF if my insurance doesn’t cover it.
I start injections next week.
For those of you who don’t know, IVF is in vitro fertilization. That’s where the doctors grow as many follicles to maturity as possible in my ovaries, retrieve the eggs from the follicles, fertilize them with my partner’s sperm in a lab and watch over their growth. In my case, they are going to test at least 8 blastocysts for genetic abnormalities before freezing all the good-quality embryos that make it to that stage while my body calms down from the egg retrieval surgery. That is if there is successful fertilization.
This is the only egg retrieval cycle we can afford, so I’m really hoping things turn out well. I’m really hoping for at least four healthy little embryos.
I’ve been calling my IVF experience Project Science Baby among my best friends. It makes it seem more hopeful to me. I’m excited for it to start even though I really hate needles. I keep telling myself it’s completely worth it.
I’ll start updating after each of my appointments from here on out. My baseline appointment is scheduled for June 9!
babbles&brains 