Tag: depression

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 10: The New Path is Forged

Posted on by babbles&brains

Guess what? I’m still NOT pregnant. Here’s a little art I drew about how I felt about this news:

I think it needs more test strips, cash, and bills, don’t you?

Yeah.

I was grieving for what I’m not able to have. And feeling completely without hope. It’s not comfortable. It hurts.

The good news is that I finally got my first appointment at the clinic that seems like everyone is raving about, and it’s actually GREAT. Also, it is over ten thousand dollars less than my insurance company’s fertility clinic. And, they are open daily year-round, which means they will work with my special uterus!

The doctor even recommended supplements and addressed all of my concerns and questions. THEY LISTENED TO ME. They gave me actual data on their process and success rates.

I felt so relieved to have a positive experience finally through this journey. A weight lifted off my heart. I feel like I can hope again.

But the cost is still high. Over 10k less than the other clinic, but still the price of a new car. I wish it wasn’t a financial burden to us just for the chance to become parents. And having to wait until we have the funds is torturing me.

To afford IVF, I’ve been working during my prep doing paperwork for another school so I can make a good chunk of funds by spring of 2022. I’ll be able to afford over half of the procedure on my own! Which means, we might become parents by August of 2022!

But it feels like FOREVER AND A DAY.

Anyway, I have a lot more hope in my heart than I did when I made that art. It still is part of me, but it’s not all of me anymore.

I haven’t started a GoFundMe for my treatment because it feels weird to have other people pay for us to make a baby, even if it’s with science. If we can’t do it on our own, why are we even going to try having kids when they’re more expensive afterwards? Maybe I’ll change my mind if we still can’t scrape up the funds. But since it’s the burden my husband and I bear, it doesn’t feel right to ask other people to give us money.

To our family on the other hand… If you really want us to be parents, please feel free to help us. Any little bit will go a long way. I know it will be so worth it.

Talk to y’all soon, hopefully with a good update!

Babblesandbrains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 9: Waiting for funds

Posted on by babbles&brains

Worst news first, the clinic we’ve been going to under our insurance wants up to $35,000 for one cycle of in vitro fertilization paid up front. No financing options. The entire payment is due before treatment.

WHAT!?

Obviously IVF is expensive. I know that. But I was not prepared to hear about that amount. That’s more than the price of my Honda CR-V. That’s a down payment on a house, a pretty nice one in California. That’s more than half of my yearly salary. It’s going to be really difficult to get a loan for that much. (For protection reasons, I will not be naming my current health insurance company. It’s an enormous company though, they have so much money already.)

Now, better news, I looked into another clinic not in our insurance system, and talked several people who went to this other clinic. After scouring their website in distress at the aforementioned worst news, they have financing options, and a cycle of IVF is LESS THAN HALF of the cost of the clinic under our insurance company. With financing options and payment plans!

I have an appointment to see them in September for a second opinion. It’s going to cost me several hundred dollars out of pocket, but if it goes well, I think I’m going to switch health insurance companies. I feel like the health insurance we have right now has failed us, that they only want money and aren’t actually listening to their patients (For example, telling me my ovulatory dysfunction is because of my weight when I’ve stated at least twenty times to just the clinic that I had anovulatory cycles when I was lighter. And I have only been at the fertility clinic in person a total of eight times in the past two years).

It’s going to still be at least a year until we can actually afford IVF.

Hopefully the next IUI is successful so we don’t even have to worry about IVF. hopefully we can start the next IUI cycle by next week. If this next IUI isn’t successful, I’m going to stop treatments until we can afford IVF.

So, we have to wait some more. A lot longer than I anticipated. I will probably not be posting my infertility saga for quite some time. However, I will be trying to keep as busy as possible. I have to show off my puppy and my plants and my amazing job as a teacher.

And as I’m waiting, I’m making a baby blanket for our future little one in the hopes that they will arrive one day.

My hope baby blanket that I started last week.

Anyway, I’m really sad right now. I’m sad we will have to put a pause on trying after this cycle. I’m sad that our insurance/clinic is gouging their prices. I’m sad that as a teacher in the United States I’m not paid a respectable living wage to actually afford more expensive health related procedures. I’m sad that I don’t have a sugar daddy to pay for expensive things like IVF because I’m happily married. I’m sad that I don’t get to be a mom yet.

But I’m not giving up.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Miscellaneous Shenanigans

I have a FLOOF

Posted on by babbles&brains

I think I mentioned several times that during my tales of pain and suffering that I really needed a dog. Some sweet, fluffy cuddler that’s always happy to see me and wants to snuggle and play and helps me get out of my own head. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my cats, but they aren’t up for my wailing into their fur or forcing snuggles.

This is my sweet snuggle boy, Kenobi.

My big baby pup. Look at that helmet hair! So goofy.

I didn’t picture myself with an enormous breed of dog through childhood. But I fell in love with my in-laws’ “Golden-Aussie mix” puppy that grew and grew…. and GREW (I think their dog is a Leonberger mix or Great Pyrenees mix). That dog is a wonderful snuggle pup. So I’ve been waiting for my own gentle giant. and now he is here!

My sweet boy is a Great Pyrenees, and he is exactly what we needed.

We got him at 9 weeks old in January. He is now just over 4 months old and already 50 pounds. Very much in his velociraptor/destructive stage. All the stakes that held up trees and vines in the backyard are now his outside chew toys. He’s dug several holes, chewed up an extension cord to our fountain, unearthed part of our sprinkler system, and he sheds cotton balls EVERYWHERE. But, he stays within our fence, comes when called (mostly), leaves the cats alone to figure him out, and has so much love to give.

I love him, and he is perfect.

Someone once told me that I acted as if he is a placeholder for a child with the way I presented him to friends and family. He is not a placeholder. He is a big part of my heart. He is family, and came into my life at the exact time I needed him the most. Don’t ever talk like that about my baby dog son ever again.

He is going to be an excellent big brother to our future child. Some day.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 7: Second IUI Results and Reflection

Posted on by babbles&brains

New year, five months later, and not much changed for me.

Fourteen days after IUI and I’m not pregnant. Again. Ten percent chance, so I’m sure I’m just in the 90% that didn’t work out. Again.

I had some pretty intense cramping three days ago, which gave me a little hope and a lot of anxiety, and I bombarded myself with what-ifs: what if that’s implantation pain, what if that’s too late for implantation and I’ll have a miscarriage, what if this is all in my head anyway, what if I’m too stressed because of not being pregnant to get pregnant? I try not to do that, but sometimes I can’t help it. It’s awful though. How on earth does anyone get through this? There’s a part of me that wants to get a support group, but then another part that isn’t sure about hearing about other people’s successes if they happen sooner than mine.

Anyway, that’s the second of six IUIs I can do with my insurance. Apparently the 3rd and 4th are supposed to be the most “effective,” but then there’s also the crippling fear that even if I do get pregnant, I could miscarry. There is no amount of preparation I can do to not be devastated if that would happen. Again, with the what-ifs.

I’m feeling defeated right now. So I have to do some more reflecting on this whole thing.

I am going to do one more IUI and then decide if this is the path to motherhood I should continue on. I want to make sure I am mentally capable of handling terrible news for at least another year, or stopping treatments and looking into adoption.

Here’s what I want to do now:

  • Paint the entertainment center in the living room.
  • Paint the second bathroom.
  • Go on walks every day.
  • Practice mindful eating.
  • Do something just for me every day.

I think doing these things will help me get back on track to face the next part of this journey.

At least… I hope so.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains