Posted in New Parents, Now What?

New Parents, Now What? The Second Month

Our son was in preemie-size clothes for his first month, and he graduated to newborn clothes during his second month. And he graduated to cloth diapers, at least the newborn-size ones.

Two for two months old!

As soon as he started eating from me better, we were all able to get a little bit better sleep. He was not a good independent sleeper. He needed contact to sleep, and I wasn’t going to refuse that. We co-slept safely at night, and during the day he was in our arms.

Since he was still very much a newborn, it was obviously very similar to the first month. We still didn’t have a lot of sleep, feeding around the clock, learning how to read his cues. It didn’t feel intuitive for us, so we relied on help from the Huckleberry app and the lactation club. The basic subscription to Huckleberry SweetSpots for naps and bedtimes was so helpful in keeping our son from getting too grumpy, and less crying meant we were less frazzled. Getting to be in a safe space to learn all about feeding my baby with other moms who also struggled was so precious and valuable.

We were still completely exhausted from being up so frequently around the clock. We did get to take turns playing Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom while we passed our sleepy or hungry son back and forth.

The most precious moments were seeing my husband become an amazing dad. Making faces, talking to our son in funny voices, holding and rocking him to sleep, and getting sprayed during diaper changes (which happen more often than you think).

If we had to do it all over again, I think I would try to go on more outdoor walks during the day. It would have helped me immensely with postpartum depression and anxiety, but it was very difficult for me to figure out the best time to do it between feeding and napping.

Month three update is next week. See you then!

Posted in New Parents, Now What?

New Parents, Now What? The First Month

If there’s any advice to give parents with their very first newborn, it’s to have someone you trust come by every day and hold your baby while they nap at least once a day so you can actually nap too.

Our house panther immediately snuggled with Dad and babe when we got home from the hospital. Our son was SO little!

Birth was not too difficult for me, I was induced at 37 weeks, so he was only 5 pounds, 6.7 ounces. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck by the time he was ready to come out, so we didn’t get skin-to-skin immediately because he needed some help from the pediatric team right away. But we did get it minutes later. He was healthy and holding him in my arms for the first time made me feel whole.

Then came the actual difficult things. He didn’t have enough cheek fat to latch well, and his glucose level got too low too many times and had to spend some time in the NICU. We were using syringes and a tube that would encourage him to latch and suckle, so the three of us were involved in every feeding every two hours. He struggled to gain weight his first week, so he and I went to a lactation club with a lactation nurse to help us. We were put on a triple feeding schedule to keep encouraging him to latch and make sure he was getting enough food to gain weight.

The triple feeding schedule was like this: Every two hours after the start of his last feeding, spend 30 minutes trying to breastfeed. Then, if he’s not latching still, he gets a bottle of a certain amount of breastmilk or formula while I pump for at least 30 minutes. Then we would burp him and feed him again another measured amount. It took ages, was grueling, and we also had to deal with my hormones and mental health at the same time.

He would only latch twice a week at the lactation club. Trying to impress the nurses, I’m sure. Almost all the other times I tried to feed him, he screamed at my chest because he was hungry and just couldn’t get it, so he got a bottle and I pumped while crying about it. It was so heartbreaking when I tried everything and he still couldn’t latch and just eat and be at peace. We were “triple-feeding” for a month, and then finally, at 30 days exactly, he gained enough fat and muscle to latch properly.

That was just feeding for the first month of his life. It was definitely overwhelming. I also started physical therapy for Bell’s Palsy (unique pregnancy plus viral infection symptom) and having to leave my newborn to exercise my face felt so wrong, but it was really good that I had to do something to take care of myself.

It was lovely to have someone we trust come by at least twice a week to hold our sleeping son while the new parents got some sleep. The sleep deprivation was absolutely torture. Despite all these huge challenges, we all made it!

That’s enough babbles from me for our first month as brand-new parents. Next week is the 2-month update. See you then!

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 11: Project Science Baby is HAPPENING

I have not updated the “Trying To Become Parents Journey” since November 2021. And finally, I have more to share than “I’m just waiting.” Here’s a list of what’s happened since that March 2021 post:

Just the start of all the medications and supplements I have to take daily
  • We changed insurances so we could be served better by the fertility clinic we chose (and so I can give birth in the hospital closest to my home).
  • I’ve been slowly collecting fragrant orchid plants.
  • We applied for IVF financing and were only given two terrible options (extremely high APR and not the amount of money we needed to loan).
  • We applied for a line of credit with our bank for a better loan and interest rate for our predicament.
  • We were approved for the line of credit with our bank.
  • We paid for the initial charges for IVF.
  • I got my Master’s Degree and my Administrative Credential.
  • I attended a duo baby shower for my two cousins who are expecting (actually one of them has given birth since last week) and I only cried about it a few times.
  • I started the portion of IVF that requires birth control to keep my ovaries calm.
  • I have an official PCOS diagnosis as the cause for infertility instead of “obesity” now thanks to this clinic.
  • I met with my IVF Nurse Coordinator and got a schedule for the next three months.
  • I ordered the injection medications that may be more than the payment for IVF if my insurance doesn’t cover it.
  • I start injections next week.

For those of you who don’t know, IVF is in vitro fertilization. That’s where the doctors grow as many follicles to maturity as possible in my ovaries, retrieve the eggs from the follicles, fertilize them with my partner’s sperm in a lab and watch over their growth. In my case, they are going to test at least 8 blastocysts for genetic abnormalities before freezing all the good-quality embryos that make it to that stage while my body calms down from the egg retrieval surgery. That is if there is successful fertilization.

This is the only egg retrieval cycle we can afford, so I’m really hoping things turn out well. I’m really hoping for at least four healthy little embryos.

I’ve been calling my IVF experience Project Science Baby among my best friends. It makes it seem more hopeful to me. I’m excited for it to start even though I really hate needles. I keep telling myself it’s completely worth it.

I’ll start updating after each of my appointments from here on out. My baseline appointment is scheduled for June 9!

Talk to you soon,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Miscellaneous Shenanigans

Puppy update!

Since owning our pupper, he’s grown. A lot. Here’s some pictures of him at 1

He’s the best thing ever. He loves treats, the dog park, walks, and pets.

I know it’s been a while. I’m working on some things and doing a lot of waiting. I’ll fill you in when I have the energy to share.

Thanks, babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 10: The New Path is Forged

Guess what? I’m still NOT pregnant. Here’s a little art I drew about how I felt about this news:

I think it needs more test strips, cash, and bills, don’t you?

Yeah.

I was grieving for what I’m not able to have. And feeling completely without hope. It’s not comfortable. It hurts.

The good news is that I finally got my first appointment at the clinic that seems like everyone is raving about, and it’s actually GREAT. Also, it is over ten thousand dollars less than my insurance company’s fertility clinic. And, they are open daily year-round, which means they will work with my special uterus!

The doctor even recommended supplements and addressed all of my concerns and questions. THEY LISTENED TO ME. They gave me actual data on their process and success rates.

I felt so relieved to have a positive experience finally through this journey. A weight lifted off my heart. I feel like I can hope again.

But the cost is still high. Over 10k less than the other clinic, but still the price of a new car. I wish it wasn’t a financial burden to us just for the chance to become parents. And having to wait until we have the funds is torturing me.

To afford IVF, I’ve been working during my prep doing paperwork for another school so I can make a good chunk of funds by spring of 2022. I’ll be able to afford over half of the procedure on my own! Which means, we might become parents by August of 2022!

But it feels like FOREVER AND A DAY.

Anyway, I have a lot more hope in my heart than I did when I made that art. It still is part of me, but it’s not all of me anymore.

I haven’t started a GoFundMe for my treatment because it feels weird to have other people pay for us to make a baby, even if it’s with science. If we can’t do it on our own, why are we even going to try having kids when they’re more expensive afterwards? Maybe I’ll change my mind if we still can’t scrape up the funds. But since it’s the burden my husband and I bear, it doesn’t feel right to ask other people to give us money.

To our family on the other hand… If you really want us to be parents, please feel free to help us. Any little bit will go a long way. I know it will be so worth it.

Talk to y’all soon, hopefully with a good update!

Babblesandbrains

Posted in Miscellaneous Shenanigans

I have a FLOOF

I think I mentioned several times that during my tales of pain and suffering that I really needed a dog. Some sweet, fluffy cuddler that’s always happy to see me and wants to snuggle and play and helps me get out of my own head. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my cats, but they aren’t up for my wailing into their fur or forcing snuggles.

This is my sweet snuggle boy, Kenobi.

My big baby pup. Look at that helmet hair! So goofy.

I didn’t picture myself with an enormous breed of dog through childhood. But I fell in love with my in-laws’ “Golden-Aussie mix” puppy that grew and grew…. and GREW (I think their dog is a Leonberger mix or Great Pyrenees mix). That dog is a wonderful snuggle pup. So I’ve been waiting for my own gentle giant. and now he is here!

My sweet boy is a Great Pyrenees, and he is exactly what we needed.

We got him at 9 weeks old in January. He is now just over 4 months old and already 50 pounds. Very much in his velociraptor/destructive stage. All the stakes that held up trees and vines in the backyard are now his outside chew toys. He’s dug several holes, chewed up an extension cord to our fountain, unearthed part of our sprinkler system, and he sheds cotton balls EVERYWHERE. But, he stays within our fence, comes when called (mostly), leaves the cats alone to figure him out, and has so much love to give.

I love him, and he is perfect.

Someone once told me that I acted as if he is a placeholder for a child with the way I presented him to friends and family. He is not a placeholder. He is a big part of my heart. He is family, and came into my life at the exact time I needed him the most. Don’t ever talk like that about my baby dog son ever again.

He is going to be an excellent big brother to our future child. Some day.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 7: Second IUI Results and Reflection

New year, five months later, and not much changed for me.

Fourteen days after IUI and I’m not pregnant. Again. Ten percent chance, so I’m sure I’m just in the 90% that didn’t work out. Again.

I had some pretty intense cramping three days ago, which gave me a little hope and a lot of anxiety, and I bombarded myself with what-ifs: what if that’s implantation pain, what if that’s too late for implantation and I’ll have a miscarriage, what if this is all in my head anyway, what if I’m too stressed because of not being pregnant to get pregnant? I try not to do that, but sometimes I can’t help it. It’s awful though. How on earth does anyone get through this? There’s a part of me that wants to get a support group, but then another part that isn’t sure about hearing about other people’s successes if they happen sooner than mine.

Anyway, that’s the second of six IUIs I can do with my insurance. Apparently the 3rd and 4th are supposed to be the most “effective,” but then there’s also the crippling fear that even if I do get pregnant, I could miscarry. There is no amount of preparation I can do to not be devastated if that would happen. Again, with the what-ifs.

I’m feeling defeated right now. So I have to do some more reflecting on this whole thing.

I am going to do one more IUI and then decide if this is the path to motherhood I should continue on. I want to make sure I am mentally capable of handling terrible news for at least another year, or stopping treatments and looking into adoption.

Here’s what I want to do now:

  • Paint the entertainment center in the living room.
  • Paint the second bathroom.
  • Go on walks every day.
  • Practice mindful eating.
  • Do something just for me every day.

I think doing these things will help me get back on track to face the next part of this journey.

At least… I hope so.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Teaching & Education

Focusing on the Good: Teaching in Fall 2020

We all need some good news right now, so all I’m going to focus on in this post is all the good things that are happening right now while I’m teaching during this pandemic. Today marks the third week of real distance teaching, and these are the good things I’ve chosen to focus on so far:

My students. I cannot get over how awesome my students are. They’re all ready and WILLING to learn. It is truly amazing and beautiful. Not even kidding I could brag about them all day. I am SO PROUD that my students are on top of things, and it makes keeping them accountable so much easier. I think they all miss being in school and want to be part of it even if it’s distantly. It makes my heart full. I know it’s not the same for all the grade levels, and Pre-K to 3rd grades really need all the community building time they can get and in-person instruction. I hope we can all get that soon. I am so happy that my middle and high school students are stepping it up to be their best.

Quiet time. I’m always available for my students during school hours, but during school hours it’s been so nice to give direct instruction and then let them do their thing while checking in. The kids like being able to have the opportunity to go and focus on their work and not get distracted by others. It’s not the same for all households, but they are getting into the groove of finding their perfect school area at home to learn. I have a few students who struggled last year who are absolutely killing it because they’re figuring out what works for them. Also, I can get my grading done much faster, which is the bane of my existence.

Helping out. Family is super important to me, and I have two nieces enrolled at my school. So I get to have them over a few times a week to work on staying on top of school during distance learning, as they both struggled a lot last spring. I am excited to give them a space to learn and grow during a pandemic. Plus, it helps my sister out while she is working to have someone to look out for her daughters. I’m more than happy to help whenever I’m needed.

Time to Calm Down. I get myself really busy, but being able to work from home has given me so many opportunities to work on my mental health and working on self-compassion. I know other teachers in other places don’t have the opportunity to work from home right now, but getting this time, even if it’s not going to last forever, has been such a blessing to my head space. Most of the time, anyway.

My Students. Did I mention them already? Because I LOVE being their teacher no matter what. Getting to teach them new things and interact at their level has been a really great learning experience.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the good things. The silver linings. The bright side. Positive vibes.

Do me a favor, and thank a teacher for persevering, for being tenacious, for caring. They need that right now. Make their whole week by just saying something kind.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents: Part 2

I was really hoping this month would be the month. I was so relaxed, calm, and filled my days with things that made me happy.

I even got some pretty intense “could it be PMS or pregnancy?” symptoms I was tracking. For whatever reason, a LOT of heartburn and breast tenderness. Unfortunately, I’m not pregnant. It’s just that time of the month again.

Which is actually really good, because now I am having more regular cycles, so hopefully I am ovulating more regularly. I was able to schedule with radiology and I actually got an appointment for next week! I know it will be good to have this done so we can get a closer look at what is going on. It’s just not going to feel good. My husband is also going to be getting his specimen tested next week. So soon, we will have more information to help us.

Seven-ish months of trying though. I feel like a failure sometimes. Like, I didn’t start trying soon enough, or my body is failing to make it happen. I also feel like I’m running out of time for no reason. I’m only twenty-eight, but I’m already twenty-eight.

Anyway, I’m still waiting to go back to all the tracking until after our tests are done and we have our first appointment with the fertility doctor for their guidance. I am going to feel so relieved knowing more information about what’s going on and getting the help we need to conceive.

I guess that’s all for my update. I’m okay. Mostly. I’m still hopeful.

Thanks for listening,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Mental Health

Anxiety & Me: How I Get Through

Possible Trigger Warning: There will be talk about my personal experience with anxiety and PTSD.

If you have anxiety, you understand how difficult it is to manage. Most of the time, I can manage, but sometimes I can’t, but I am finally at a stage where I can usually get through it. I wanted to share how I get through bouts of anxiety attacks, and hopefully it may help someone struggling.

Being Observant: It took me a long time to figure out what triggers my anxiety. Paying attention to the events that happen before an anxiety attack will help you identify what causes the attack. For me, Walmart is a huge trigger. I can’t even drive to the parking lot of Walmart alone (at least in my hometown, but I prefer not to shop at any Walmart for many reasons now). This is because I experienced trauma by two people who used to work there as a young teenager, and on a trip exploring the superstore walking alone, I WALKED PAST the one person I never wanted to see again or know existed in the public in my entire life. My lizard brain does not want to deal with that ever again, so it gets heated at the thought of even entering the parking lot in an attempt to protect me. Understanding the trigger to an anxiety attack is very helpful in the self-talk needed to get through an anxiety attack in a shorter amount of time.

Quiet Spaces: Finding a quiet space at the onset of an anxiety attack is really important for me to focus on grounding myself. I’m not picky about it though, because there are no perfect places when in the midst of an anxiety attack. Bathroom stalls, inside my car, my walk-in closet, or going outside if indoors– these are all quiet spaces I’ve gone to when I experience the beginning of an anxiety attack. It just needs to be a space where I can hear myself think.

Self-Compassion: I think this is the most important. I know I tend to be harsh on myself, and getting frustrated when having anxiety only causes more stress and exacerbates the issue. When you are having an anxiety attack, it is very important that you are giving yourself the care and compassion you deserve. So make self-compassion part of your self-care routine. Currently, I really am enjoying working on self-compassion with The Power of Self-Compassion by Laurie J. Cameron. It’s a fantastic audio book from Audible (not sponsored). Granting yourself the compassion you would to a best friend (or for me, a beloved student) is so important to get you through times of anxiety.

Talk Therapy: Get yourself some healthy coping mechanisms through therapy. Get someone objective to talk to that wants to help you be your best self. Unfortunately, partners don’t count, as usually they are not licensed professionals to help you get the tools you need. Through talk therapy though, you can get some tools to help your partner become even more amazing and supportive (if you have one). During this pandemic, I have found BetterHelp (not sponsored) to be a great option to have access to someone to talk to, and they are very good about helping with affordability.

Medication: Even with everything I do to get through anxiety, I was having a very difficult time last year and was consistently having anxiety attacks far too often for me to live my life. Even with all of my coping skills. At that time, it is important to discuss with a doctor about what has been going on and let them know everything you have done to get through it. Often, they will give a questionnaire and discuss medication options that fit with your lifestyle. To me, medication isn’t a bad thing. It’s like wearing glasses to help you see better. I also requested to get additional blood work done to check my thyroid levels, as I know my family has a history of Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism, and it finally showed up for me, after many checks throughout high school and college. An underactive thyroid affects the brain’s ability to function properly, and for me, it caused intense anxiety. So, now I am taking medication for my thyroid and medication for anxiety, but with the work I am doing to be as healthy as possible, I may not need the anxiety medication much longer as my thyroid has help functioning properly.

So, those are some of the things I find helps me get through my anxiety. Some days are better than others, but overall, I am having fewer anxiety attacks, and have been able to get to the end of an anxiety attack in a shorter amount of time. I think the amount of natural light I’ve been getting in our new house has also been beneficial for my mental health. If you’re struggling, I really hope these ideas may help you find peace and clarity. Let me know what works for you!

Stay healthy, y’all.

Sincerely,

Babbles&brains