I could not handle even looking into childcare. It made me panic every time it was brought up. Leaving my boy with someone or company when he truly should be with his mom and dad was too much.
My district doesn’t give monetary support for family bonding. If I didn’t have disability insurance, I would have to pay my substitute during maternity leave out of my paycheck. Family bonding time would be unpaid, and we couldn’t afford that.
The principal provided a pump room for me, but it was difficult to have coverage to pump, and I always felt in a rush to get back.
I cried a lot that school year. My sweet boy would cry when he saw me leave, or I had to give up sweet baby snuggles so I could go to work. If I were to express exactly how that felt, I would probably cry some more.
My husband works from home most of the week, though, so our son was happy at home with his dad.
His first word was “Dada” (more on that later). Naturally.
That’s all I can really say about month four. It was hard, and I absolutely loved coming home to a baby happy to see me. Until next time,
Something magical and inexplicable happened when our boy turned three months old.
I think that it was that we finally hit a good rhythm that worked for the whole family. I no longer needed to pump eight times a day, and got more time to hold our son in my arms while he napped and just looked at him.
He started smiling while awake in response to us, feeling his environment, looking around at his world, making the cutest cooing and babbles…
Our teacup house panther loves to be around our boy.
I finally had a little bit of time and space to truly enjoy being his mom.
Even though I clearly remembered exactly what my birth experience felt like, watching my baby become less of a newborn potato made me really want to have another baby as soon as time and energy allowed.
We were finally out of survival mode, I think.
Our boy hated tummy time unless it was on me, and he started teething, but no teeth showed up for months. He was copying faces and started to laugh a little which was so precious. His babbles and the way he hummed to soothe himself while sleepy made both of his parents fall in love with him all over again.
Our son was in preemie-size clothes for his first month, and he graduated to newborn clothes during his second month. And he graduated to cloth diapers, at least the newborn-size ones.
Two for two months old!
As soon as he started eating from me better, we were all able to get a little bit better sleep. He was not a good independent sleeper. He needed contact to sleep, and I wasn’t going to refuse that. We co-slept safely at night, and during the day he was in our arms.
Since he was still very much a newborn, it was obviously very similar to the first month. We still didn’t have a lot of sleep, feeding around the clock, learning how to read his cues. It didn’t feel intuitive for us, so we relied on help from the Huckleberry app and the lactation club. The basic subscription to Huckleberry SweetSpots for naps and bedtimes was so helpful in keeping our son from getting too grumpy, and less crying meant we were less frazzled. Getting to be in a safe space to learn all about feeding my baby with other moms who also struggled was so precious and valuable.
We were still completely exhausted from being up so frequently around the clock. We did get to take turns playing Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom while we passed our sleepy or hungry son back and forth.
The most precious moments were seeing my husband become an amazing dad. Making faces, talking to our son in funny voices, holding and rocking him to sleep, and getting sprayed during diaper changes (which happen more often than you think).
If we had to do it all over again, I think I would try to go on more outdoor walks during the day. It would have helped me immensely with postpartum depression and anxiety, but it was very difficult for me to figure out the best time to do it between feeding and napping.
If there’s any advice to give parents with their very first newborn, it’s to have someone you trust come by every day and hold your baby while they nap at least once a day so you can actually nap too.
Our house panther immediately snuggled with Dad and babe when we got home from the hospital. Our son was SO little!
Birth was not too difficult for me, I was induced at 37 weeks, so he was only 5 pounds, 6.7 ounces. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck by the time he was ready to come out, so we didn’t get skin-to-skin immediately because he needed some help from the pediatric team right away. But we did get it minutes later. He was healthy and holding him in my arms for the first time made me feel whole.
Then came the actual difficult things. He didn’t have enough cheek fat to latch well, and his glucose level got too low too many times and had to spend some time in the NICU. We were using syringes and a tube that would encourage him to latch and suckle, so the three of us were involved in every feeding every two hours. He struggled to gain weight his first week, so he and I went to a lactation club with a lactation nurse to help us. We were put on a triple feeding schedule to keep encouraging him to latch and make sure he was getting enough food to gain weight.
The triple feeding schedule was like this: Every two hours after the start of his last feeding, spend 30 minutes trying to breastfeed. Then, if he’s not latching still, he gets a bottle of a certain amount of breastmilk or formula while I pump for at least 30 minutes. Then we would burp him and feed him again another measured amount. It took ages, was grueling, and we also had to deal with my hormones and mental health at the same time.
He would only latch twice a week at the lactation club. Trying to impress the nurses, I’m sure. Almost all the other times I tried to feed him, he screamed at my chest because he was hungry and just couldn’t get it, so he got a bottle and I pumped while crying about it. It was so heartbreaking when I tried everything and he still couldn’t latch and just eat and be at peace. We were “triple-feeding” for a month, and then finally, at 30 days exactly, he gained enough fat and muscle to latch properly.
That was just feeding for the first month of his life. It was definitely overwhelming. I also started physical therapy for Bell’s Palsy (unique pregnancy plus viral infection symptom) and having to leave my newborn to exercise my face felt so wrong, but it was really good that I had to do something to take care of myself.
It was lovely to have someone we trust come by at least twice a week to hold our sleeping son while the new parents got some sleep. The sleep deprivation was absolutely torture. Despite all these huge challenges, we all made it!
That’s enough babbles from me for our first month as brand-new parents. Next week is the 2-month update. See you then!
babbles&brains 