Trying to stay motivated to finish my graduate program. Trying to get pregnant. Trying to plan something cute and fun for my fifth wedding anniversary. Trying to save for a house in California. Trying to stay on top of my grading and paperwork for the independent study program I teach at. Trying to get better at keeping my house clean. Trying to get motivated not to crash on the couch when I get home. Trying to organize what I need to stay on top of with bullet journaling. Trying to get consistent with writing. Trying to stay out of my anxiety brain. Trying to write. Trying to get into the role of my new character in a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign that my friend wants to stream weekly on twitch (gulp). Trying to get stuff done to play the new Animal Crossing game when it comes out. In no particular order.
I’ve obviously got a lot going on. I have a lot I strive to be. I’m so lucky to have the opportunity to try and achieve these things. I’m in a great place right now with my job. I have a roof over my head, and three cats to cuddle with me and my husband. I’ve got a fantastic husband who is learning to cook for us while I’m working and going to school.
Right now though, I am exhausted. I think it’s the cold I contracted from my students (not the novel Corona virus, just a head cold). And my period and the fertility medication I am taking so we can start a family. And that it is typically a two week spring break for my district right now but my new school runs on a schedule where we only have one week, and doesn’t start until March 16. It definitely looks like I am burning the candle at both ends. I’m trying not to do that.
I’m practicing self-care and self-compassion. I think that’s why I’m writing this right now. I’ve got a lot on my plate. It’s hard work. I don’t know if there is an end in site to the amount of work left that needs to be done. I also know I’ve got a great support system and know that there are others like me who are also exhausted at this time because of all the things they have to accomplish. I’m trying to prioritize what makes me truly happy and what I need to get done. It’s okay that I don’t have the cleanest house in the world right now. As long as the bathroom and kitchen are consistently disinfected, it’s okay if there’s cat toys all over the house right now. It’s okay if I have six garbage bags in the closet full of clothes to donate since Fall 2019 and haven’t taken them out yet (Marie Kondo won’t approve, but I’m not paying her to help me minimize my belongings. I’m a teacher I can’t afford that). Those things will get done when I’m ready. Next week during spring break. I can wait three more days to fulfill my desire to scrub the entire apartment from top to bottom and get rid of everything that does not bring joy.
A messy house makes me anxious. Our house isn’t even that bad. I was just raised by a hoarder and I don’t want to be like that. It makes my skin crawl to know that I have a tendency to be a mess.I also have been incapable of getting things together the way I wanted it since we moved into this apartment mid-school-year in 2016. What about the summer? No, not able to get it together then either. Because my most debilitating anxiety and depressive episodes have been happening when I’m not in charge of a hundred teenagers. This year is different though. I finally started taking medication to help me function as a human every day, including my off time. I’m ready to get things together! After I sleep for two days straight.
I’m trying. I’m working on it. I’m putting in the effort. I’m not just speaking it into the universe. I’m just really tired right now and need to catch up on a period of rest my body is telling me I need. Don’t forget to rest, because it is good and you can get back to everything you’re trying with much more energy.
See you around,
Babbles&brains
babbles&brains 